Sunday, February 28, 2010

injaynesworld here's your "Sunday Recap..."


Yet another nipple sighting…

This time it was actress Elizabeth Hurley’s wayward nipple on display, and apparently it’s freakishly large, too.   Look at the size of that “X”. 

Okay, I’m done with nipples now.  I promise.  

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Starting off with week’s “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” Award… 

Nothing says “don’t mess with my kid” like a bottle of malt liquor and a sword.

The mother of an elementary school student in Memphis drank a 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor before reportedly running through the school halls threatening to cut the parents of another kid who’d been in a spitting match with her own little darling the previous day. 

Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black cane that concealed the blade and “Ninja Mom” has been charged with assault.    

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On a sad note... 

Men with small penises everywhere are mourning the loss of the Hummer after a deal between GM and a Chinese company to acquire the SUV brand fell through.  Sales of the fuel-guzzling symbol-of-excess peaked at 71,524 in 2006, but collapsed when gas prices shot above $4 a gallon in the summer of 2008.  In December 2009, only 325 Hummers were sold. 

Take heart, guys.  There’s always the Corvette.

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Our Douchebag of the Week Award goes to… What a surprise!  A Republican! 



Jim Bunning, the Senator from Kentucky, succeeded in blocking Senate action needed to prevent an estimated 1.2 million Americans from prematurely losing their unemployment benefits beginning on Monday. Keep in mind that the unemployment rate in Bunning’s home state is 10.7 percent.  In one county alone, it’s at 21.4%. 

As Democratic senators asked again and again for unanimous consent for a vote on a 30-day extension Thursday night, Bunning refused to go along and, at one point during the debate, even complained of missing a basketball game.

When Senator Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.) pleaded with him to consider the people who would be hurt and drop his objection, Bunning replied: "Tough shit."

Nice…

And before any soul-sucking son-of-bitch goes all “screw those free-loaders” on me, stop and consider this:   That’s 1.2 million people who won’t be putting that money immediately back into their local economies next week. 

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Finally, there was huge news everywhere this week:  the Olympics, the Health Summit, the tragedy at Sea World, a massive earthquake in Chile, but perhaps nothing so big – so important – so newsworthy as…


Ellen’s debut on the "American Idol" judges' panel.

Personally, I liked her.  I thought she was funny and warm, while being pretty astute in her critiques.   What about you?   Like her?  Hate her?  Let’s see a show of hands…

I perform unnatural acts for comments…

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

injaynesworld we ask "Nipples... What's The Big Deal?"

I stumbled across this photo from a topless sledding event in Germany and it got me thinking.  Notice the strategically photo-shopped-in yellow stars?   

It reminded me of the  Janet Jackson Super Bowl “Nipplegate” where a split-second nipple exposure caused heads to explode all across the nation.   The event took on such importance as to actually initiate a Congressional hearing.   Yes, the boobs in Congress finally had an issue they could unite around. 

So what is the big deal about nipples anyway?   Everyone has them, but apparently, it’s only women's nipples that freak people out.   Men’s nipples?    Not a problem.  What's up with that?

In the U.S. we seem to have a love/hate relationship with the mammary papilla.  They are our first source of nourishment.  A mother nursing her child is considered a beautiful act of love, but do it in some places and it can get you arrested for indecent exposure.   

What awesome power does a simple nipple have that we may not view it lest we what…?   What exactly is supposed to happen if a nipple is allowed to see the light of day?  You don’t see this kind of Puritanical silliness in Europe.    Who is this guardian of our morals charged with making the decisions as to what we can and cannot see?  

Oh, my God!  But what if said nipple is viewed by a child?!  Horrors!

You’ve got a point.   Much better to teach them to be ashamed of their bodies at an early age. 

Here’s an interesting tidbit.    In the R-rated movie, a woman’s nipple is kissed.   In a PG-13 movie, it’s hacked off with a machete.   I'm not making this up.

Ponder these thoughts as you view the classic giant boob scene from my all-time favorite Woody Allen film, “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex.” 





Yeah, I know Woody’s a perv, but here he was making a very astute statement about our society’s fascination with and fear of the all-powerful nipple.  

I have to admit, I have no answers.   I don’t even know why I brought it up.  Sometimes the damndest things just enter my head and rattle around in there.  Today it was nipples. 

If you leave a comment a nipple will go free…

Sunday, February 21, 2010

injaynesworld it's a kick-ass "Sunday Recap..."


First of all take your gaze over to my left side bar.  Scroll down…lower… lower… there.   Little ol’ injaynesworld was awarded the  2010 Newbie Blog Award from Studio 30+.  To all who voted for me, thank you so much.   I’m sincerely humbled and thrilled.   

And now to this week’s news.   Get comfortable.  If I’ve done my job, there’s something here to offend everyone. 

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Sir Elton John is being demonized for suggesting in an interview with Parade magazine that Jesus Christ may have been gay:  “I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving.”

As expected, the religious right is going nuts with this one.  I say so what if Christ and the Disciples had a boys club going on.  How does that taint his message?    What happened to “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?”  I don’t recall there being any exceptions to that.   It wasn’t “Love Thy Neighbor – unless he’s gay then all bets are off.”   And how about “Judge not lest ye be judged?”  There is little that can rile my ass more than hypocrisy.

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And speaking of hypocrisy, welcome to “The Hypocrisy Hall of Shame.”   This week marked the one-year anniversary of the  American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, aka the Stimulus bill, a bill that every single Republican in Congress decried and voted against.  Fast forward to today and these shining examples of Republican hypocrisy:





It’s funny how the Stimulus is the root of all evil when the money is going to someone else’s state, but when it’s coming to yours… not so much.  Now everyone is entitled to their opinion.  Agree with the ARRA, don’t agree.   Knock yourself out.   Makes no difference to me.   Just don’t be a hypocrite about it.  To find out if your representative is a member of the “Hypocrisy Hall of Shame” go to this website to view a complete list of these pinnacles of virtue. 


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On Thursday some self-professed, anti-government whack job flew his plane into the IRS building in Texas causing all sorts of death and destruction, but you wouldn’t know it by the news on Friday when all cameras were focused on the beginning of the long-awaited Tiger Woods Apology Tour.  Notably absent at his side was wife, Elin – praise the Lord. I cringe when I see the wives of these cheaters “standing by their men” like some kind of Tammy Wynette zombies while these guys deliver their public mea culpas.   Among the carefully selected audience at the meticulously staged Tiger Fest, however, was his mom -- proving that a mother’s work truly is never done and your children are never too old to humiliate you. 

So was he contrite enough?   Should he have worn a tie?   What did his body language really mean?  These were the questions debated ad nauseum on all-day, all-Tiger TV.  Meanwhile 12 NATO soldiers died in Afghanistan

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More spotlight on celebrities…

Jon Gosslin’s ex tells the world he has a small dick – or is a small dick – can never get that one straight.  

John Mayer talks sex with ex’s, joys of masturbation, and keeping his lily-white man-handle far, far away from the private parts of black women, while spouting the “N” word because he thinks it’s cool… and this was the guy that little Miss-She’s-Been-So-Wronged-Boo-Fucking-Hoo Jennifer Aniston dated not once, but twice.    I am soooooo “team Jolie.”

And remember this cute kid?  

He’s now this cute kid.  

In a courtroom on Friday, former "Family Ties" actor Brian Bonsall pleaded not guilty to an assault charge and a failure- to-report charge involving another case.  Bail was set at $10,000.  Bonsall is accused of repeatedly hitting a friend in the head with a broken wooden stool in December.
Another proud parental moment...

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Finally, this week’s “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” Award goes to…

A Texas Christian University student who suffered burns when his peers branded his buttocks was found to have participated in the act willingly and no charges will be filed. The kid had Greek symbols from his fraternity and a sorority branded on his ass and needed surgery after suffering second-and third-degree burns.
Police concluded that this little genius asked to be branded, was awake when it happened, and continued to party and dance afterward.  

I’m thinking Jesus being gay is the least of the religious right’s problems.

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A big thank you to uber artist and friend, Jan Whitby, for not only the design of my review blog and cute button over in my right sidebar, but also for designing the “YCMTSU” trophy pictured above.  If you were a "Bionic Woman" fan, Jan played the original Fembot in the “Kill Oscar” episodes.  Visit her fan site here

So who have I offended with today’s Sunday Recap?   You know what to do…

Thursday, February 18, 2010

injaynesworld we are "Thinking About Multiplying..."


A while back there was a movie out called “Multiplicity” wherein the hero, whose life’s obligations were overwhelming him, found a way to duplicate himself several times over and parcel out the chores he’d rather not do to his alter selves.   Since this was a comedy, of course it all ended up going grossly awry, with the alter selves getting pissed off at having to do all the crappy stuff, while our hero got to just coast and enjoy life.  Still, the concept does have a lot of merit.

If I just had another me who would finish taking down the Christmas decorations I could stop feeling foolish when folks stop by.    I could have read a friend's story in a timely manner so as to avoid hurt feelings.   And remember that New Year’s post I wrote where I made all those “vows” to get the paper clutter in my life under control?   That sound you hear is God laughing.

I would have an alter self to do my daily job, too, so that on a sunny day like today (apologies to those of you still snow bound) I could be outside riding a horse, or sitting at a sidewalk cafĂ©, drinking coffee and reading one of the many books that I keep meaning to get to.   Or maybe I’d even start writing that book I’ve been telling myself is somewhere inside me waiting to burst forth and make me a literary darling so I could be on the “Ellen” show because she’s all hip and cool and gay and I do love my gays. 

And what I wouldn't give for an alter self who would do the laundry.   You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to get to.  It’s not like I have to go to a laundromat.   There’s an old, albeit perfectly good, washer and dryer just off my kitchen.   Still, I will wear the same clothes day after day, always telling myself that this will be the night I do the laundry right after I’m done with work, but then I’m tired and there's wine that needs drinking and then I’m hungry and then…  Besides, another perk to being single?   Personal hygiene.   Not such an issue.

Mostly, I’d like an alter self who would just pee every five minutes for me.  If I had the time back that I spend peeing, I probably wouldn’t need any alter selves.  That and standing in lines.    Grocery store?  Alter self.   Post office?  Alter self.  All-you-can-eat buffet on Easter Sunday at the Marriott?  Alter self.   Yeah, forget that last one.   That’s just a bad idea altogether. 

But you get my drift here, right?

Leave a comment if you have the time.   Alter selves also welcome…

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

injaynesworld it's "Blast From the Past Day..."

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... wherein we occasionally dust the cobwebs off an old post.  "Junk Mail Blues" is from August of last year when I first started injaynesworld and had all of five followers.

I’ve noticed a rather disturbing change in my junk mail as I grow older.

It started when I turned 50 and AARP sought me out to join them with enticing offers of senior discounts on Depends. Then at 60, among my birthday greetings, I found a solicitation from The Neptune Society for cremation services. That was kind of a downer. I’m almost afraid to peer into the future lest my 70th bring an invitation from what I can only imagine will be a company aptly named “Check-Out Time,” offering euthanasia services – cash only, no credit cards accepted.

I have to admit that solicitations for long-term care insurance sent by the same companies offering me short-term life insurance confuse me, and it’s more than a little creepy to find myself just automatically appearing on these types of mailing lists. I’m only buoyed by the fact that Victoria’s Secret still considers me young and nubile enough to send me their catalogs and I’ve been known to buy several unneeded black lace garter belts just to stay in their good graces.

I look forward to election times when my mail is full of expressions of desire from those vying for my affection. Clearly, I am worth more to them alive than dead and that, in itself, is worth sending them a few bucks.

I realize that there is no longer any such thing as “personal” information and that we’re precision-targeted by corporations from cradle to grave. Recently, however, I decided to fight back and took some pleasure in ordering subscriptions to Seventeen and TeenVogue magazines thinking I’d just mess with them a bit. In response, I received literature on the early-warning signs of dementia along with advice that I consult my doctor about the enclosed recommended drugs for the treatment of such.

This may be a battle I can’t win.

Comments bearing offers of remedies for age spots will be deleted...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

injaynesworld we preempt our regular feature for "A Word About Valentine's Day..."


Valentine’s Day… Ah, yes.  A day to celebrate love.  A day for lovers to snuggle in that candle-lit corner booth, gaze into each other’s eyes and proclaim their undying affections.  A day retailers everywhere go out of their way to make you feel special because you are a twosome.  

Yes, today is your day.  As for me and singles everywhere?    Not so much…  Here’s what we get:

Happy No Candy For You Day

Happy You Can Forget About Flowers Too Day

Happy Don’t Even Think About A Card -- It Ain’t Gonna Happen’ Day

Happy You Get To Order From The Regular Menu Day

Happy Mercy Call From Mom Day

Happy Yes That Is Pity In Their Eyes You See Day

Happy Double-Occupancy-Only Day

Now lest you think I’m complaining about being single, let me assure you otherwise.  I could have married if I’d wanted.  I had suitors.  I’m not exactly Quasimodo.   And I have nothing against those who choose to pair up.   Mazel tov.   All I ask is that as a single I, too, get a day dedicated to recognizing, celebrating, and rewarding my awesomeness.  

According to the last census, there were 92 million of us single types here in the old U. S. of A.  

In the 1980s, the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio started “National Singles Week” to be celebrated each September 21st through the 27th.   So how come I didn’t get the memo?   Huh?  Ninety-two million of us and Hallmark can’t even come out with a damn card?   Obviously, this is a vast conspiracy to keep us down and I blame the Obama administration.  

So go ahead, couples.   Have your lousy, one-day, pitiful, over-commercialized love fest.  Come September, I’m going to be flaunting my single ass with pride.  

Happy Thank You For Using Less Resources, You Get A Tax Break Week

Happy The Toilet Seat Stays In The Position Of Your Choosing Week

Happy Buy What You Want It’s Your Money Week

Happy Only Put Up With Your Own Family’s Bullshit Week

Happy Ice Cream For Dinner?  No Problem Week

Happy No Endlessly Stroking Someone Else’s Ego Week

Happy That Remote Has Your Name On It Week

Happy No Explanations To Anyone For Anything Week

Happy You Made It On Your Own Good For You Week

Oh, yeah… and I’ll be expecting gifts.

Meanwhile, feel free to celebrate my “singular sensation” with comments…

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

injaynesworld "Gratitude Is The Attitude..."


My dear and wise friend, CatLady Larew, got me thinking about gratitude this week. 

I live on a lovely farm, surrounded by strawberry fields, vineyards and ranches.  Today the rain has come again – the rain I whined and bitched about last week – yes, it’s back.  But this morning, something is different…

My desk sits in front of a large picture window that looks out upon lush, green fields, oak trees, and a gray sky that today feels more like a cozy blanket than a bearer of gloom.   Mason-kitty, aka “Mr. Useless As Tits On A Bull,” sits on the desk gazing out the window at birds he’ll never catch, while Dixie, the four-pound princess, snuggles and snoozes tightly zipped up inside my jacket, her tiny head pressed against my heart. 

My world is at peace… and I am grateful.

Elsewhere blizzards have made the lives of many of my friends miserable and difficult and it would appear there is no end in sight.   In Washington, the governing has come to a standstill, though one would be hard pressed to notice.  Snow days and snow jobs seem to be the order of the day in our nation’s capitol.  

Still, this country has given me freedoms and opportunities unknown to women in so many other parts of the world… and I am grateful.

Unemployment has devastated the middle class, while the rich continue to get richer.  The average time between losing and finding a job now is 30 weeks.

I will never be rich.  I will probably always be up to my ass in debt, but I have a job… and I am grateful.

I have friends whose love and generosity continuously amaze me.   I have food when I’m hungry, water when I thirst, and a warm bed where I sleep safe and free from the sounds of  war… and I am grateful.

I have my health and, at least for the time being, I have health insurance.   My friend, Kristi Stevens at Stepford Stories, wrote eloquently this week about the plight of those who don’t and I encourage you all to read it.

There will always be plenty of days and things to find fault with.  Today, however, I will bitch about nothing.    Today, I will just be grateful…

And I’m always grateful for your comments…

Monday, February 8, 2010

injaynesworld I've "Gone Visiting..."

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Today I can be found over here chatting with Lynn at Midday Escapades.   

http://www.middayescapades.com/2010/02/in-jaynes-world-meet-n-greet-monday.html

Drop by and join in the conversation.   She's got some pretty cool giveaways happening, too.

                                                                                 

Sunday, February 7, 2010

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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No Brakes?  No problem…

According to Edmunds.com, interest in the Prius actually increased after the recent news that the thing may not stop when you step on the brake pedal.  Reports are that at 30 mph, the vehicle could travel up to 50 feet before the brakes take hold.  Higher speeds?  You do the math.  But what’s a little inconvenience when there may be a deal to be had?   Apparently, to some hoping to get a better price on the purchase, safety is negotiable.  Don’t look at me.  I drive a Volvo. 

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Next time you’re in Dubai

Be sure and grab yourself a tasty quarter-pound camel burger.  Touted as the newest “health” option on menus there, the camel burger is fat and cholesterol free.  For a mere $5.45 you can have yours loaded with cheese and burger sauce with a side of  fries.  



Well, why not…  Does anybody really know what goes into a Big Mac?

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This week’s “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” Award goes to this little gem...

Not to be outdone by Sarah Palin’s $110,000 speaking engagement at the Tea Party Convention, former president George W. Bush received the coveted honor of Key Note Speaker at this year’s highly anticipated…wait for it…Grocer’s Association Conference!   Sharing the bill with Bush will be musical guest, Paul Anka. 

UPDATE:   Courtesy of the Huffington Post...  Say what you will about George W., I don't recall him ever using the palm of his hand as a cheat sheet.   Sarah Palin, during a speech in which she mocked President Obama for his use of a teleprompter, reveals several notes written on her left hand. The words "Energy", "Tax" and "Lift American Spirits" are clearly visible. There's also what appears to read as "Budget cuts" with the word Budget crossed out. 


And again later, while being interviewed...

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And continuing with the gift that just keeps on giving…

The always consistent beauty queen ripped Rahm Emanuel this week for his use of the word “retard” in a closed-door meeting at the White House.  Emanuel was referring to liberal activists who want to run ads against conservative Democrats.   Or maybe it was his use of the word fucking when describing said retards.  Hard to always know with Sarah.   Anyway, demanding President Obama fire Emanuel, she called his use of the word “a slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities” and likened it to using the “N-word,” something she deemed “unacceptable” and “heartbreaking.” Emanuel later issued an apology.   

Flash forward… Rush Limbaugh took offense to people, presumably including Palin, protesting Emanuel's remark, lamenting on his radio show that “our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.”  When asked for a response from Palin, her spokesperson said, “Governor Palin believes crude and demeaning name-calling at the expense of others is disrespectful,” adding that was meant generally and Palin was certainly not specifically referring to Limbaugh.   Apparently, Emanuel’s private statement crossed some terrible line in Palin’s pea brain, while Limbaugh’s public one… Not so much.

UPDATE:    Palin now says she doesn't fault Limbaugh because "he was just using satire."   You betcha...

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Finally, in honor of today's Super Bowl, an ad you won't be seeing... 





Go ahead.  Leave a comment.  It's free...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

injaynesworld we reject "A Disposable Society..."


I’m not one to run out and buy the latest, fanciest, hippest must-have item that Madison Avenue tells me I cannot live without.   I’ve always found that if I wait a year, it’s not only half the price, but chances are I won’t even want it anymore. 

The late actor/activist, Paul Newman, once said that we live in a “disposable society.”   How true.   Everywhere we look we’re encouraged to “Use it once.  Then throw it away!”   Mother Earth is suffocating in our cast-off crap.  

I hate to throw things away and will use something up till it’s literally falling apart and held together by duct tape.  I find that “New and Improved!” is rarely either.   I remember when companies took pride in their workmanship and things were made to last.   They were actually embarrassed if their stuff broke down.  Remember the lonely Maytag guy?  

Recently, a friend was over and I was heating up some lasagna in the microwave. Apparently, the two minutes it took to complete the task was “too long.”   Yes, my microwave is nearly 20 years old, but it has served me well oh these many years and I see no reason to forsake it now.

My TV, a respectable 32” Mitsubishi purchased in 1993, had never once failed me, until just before Christmas.   Sound, but no picture.   When it first happened, I was in such denial that I actually sat there continuing to watch the blank screen for about an hour.  It cost me nearly $400 to get it fixed.  Sure, I could have bought a new flat-screen for that same money, but those things start breaking down within five years, plus I’d also have to pay the robber-baron cable company another $100 a month for an HD connection and God only knows what -- none of which I want or need.   My TV is now good to go for another decade or so and the local landfill dodged a bullet. 

Maybe I’m a little more sensitive to this whole “out with the old and in with the new” way of thinking as the years add up, but I refuse to succumb to the notion that everything is so easily replaceable.  Remember the days before “no-fault” divorce?   I’m inclined to believe people may have tried a little harder.

In 1987 I bought my first Volvo. When, in 2004 after a quarter of a million miles, it started coughing up oil, I traded it in for another pre-owned (the term “used” is so passĂ©) Volvo, which I fully expect to have for the next 17 years or till the day I die, whichever comes first.  

To further spare the planet, upon my death I’ve signed up to be an organ donor – the ultimate in recycling.   And you know what?  I bet some of my old parts will still be kickin' ass.  

Got a comment?  Leave a new one or recycle an old…

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

injaynesworld it was a "Rude Awakening..."


This morning I awoke a little earlier than normal and staggered, still half-asleep, into the bathroom planning a quick relief and then 30 more minutes of blessed slumber.  Ah yes, another plan for God to laugh at….

Incoming!  Mason comes bounding into the bathroom to deposit a very-much-still-alive mouse on the floor, which then proceeds to scurry between my feet.   FUUUUUUUUUUCK!  

Can you say “drip dry?”   Oh, hell yeah… I’m awake now!

GET IT!  GET IT!  GET IT!  Wherein Mason dives behind the toilet, snatches said mouse and races from the room with me in hot pursuit… 

“Pants on the ground… lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground.”

… into the living room where the terrified mouse sits frozen in the middle of the floor, Mason calmly at his side.   Well, let me correct that.  A little dark blob sits frozen in the middle of the floor.   I do not have my contacts in.   I cannot see shit.  

Then it moves -- darts, actually -- and Mason pounces, gently corralling it and cuddling it to his chest.   Mason, I realize, does not regard the mouse as food.   Unlike some of my other cats who’d been strays and had to fend for themselves in the surrounding farmland, Mason’s only view of the world has been through my office window.   Mr. Useless-As-Tits-On-A-Bull was adopted from the shelter to be Dixie’s pet.   And now, it would seem, he’d found a pet of his own.   Swell…

Truth be told, since becoming a country girl I don’t like killing anything.  Unlike my city life where the appearance of a spider would initiate the spraying of a full can of Raid (because if it wasn’t going to die from the poison, it was damn well going to drown), now I have a plastic container and a piece of cardboard precisely for the purpose of dropping it over an intruder, slipping the cardboard gently underneath and depositing it outside.

So this was my plan with the mouse and Ms. Magoo here stumbled her way into the kitchen to retrieve the passport-to-freedom container.   With Mason momentarily distracted, the mouse took the opportunity to make its move.   It didn’t get far before Mason snatched it up and ran off toward…

NO!   NOT THE BEDROOM!!

By this time Dixie is peering over the covers, her sleep also disturbed, but clearly above joining in the fray.

The mouse has found cover behind the TV stand and is running back and forth providing endless fun for Mason.    LEAVE IT!   LEAVE IT!  LEAVE IT!   

Slowly she crept, inch by inch -- anyone remember that old “Three Stooges” bit? -- and… GOTCHA!

The mouse lives to enjoy another day and my karma is preserved.

So... how’s your day going?



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