Wednesday, July 28, 2010

injaynesworld we give you "5 Reasons To Break Up With Your Blogroll..."


I’ve been meaning to pare down my blogroll for some time.   It’s not that there was anything wrong with any of them.  It’s just that there were some I rarely got around to reading anymore and I was beginning to feel like a virtual peeping Tom, my tiny head perched in their sidebar hoping for some activity that might prompt an irresistible urge to make myself known and perhaps even crave a cigarette afterward.   

The blogs I’ve deleted all had a fair-sized group of followers and my hope is they won’t even notice I’m gone.   Being a recovering Catholic, I couldn’t bring myself to delete a blog that had only 10 or so.   The guilt would kill me.  I hate the thought of hurting someone’s feelings.   But then, isn’t that always why we stay in relationships for too long?   Plus, I was afraid they’d retaliate with copious amounts of endless spam. 

So  if you’ve noticed I’m gone, here’s why:


1.   You left town without saying good-bye…
      
Days without a post – not a problem.   A week or so, hey – I get it.   Time flies.   We’re all busy.  But when you vanish for months without so much as a “It was fun, babe.  See ya around,” what’s a reader to think?   I know we never discussed commitments, but I really thought we had something. 

2.   You don’t bring me flowers anymore…

Sure, it started off all hot and heavy.   You couldn’t keep your hands off my link.  Your effusive praise for my verbiage kept me weak in the knees.   I couldn’t wait to leap from my bed in the morning and get to my comments.  But alas, now you barely notice me at all and I suspect you’re seeing someone else.   My only solace is that I’m pressing the “delete” button first.  

3.   You cooked me a beautiful dinner and then you served it on dirty dishes…

Far be it for me to criticize anothers blog-keeping.  Typos happen to everyone.   That’s why God created proofreading.   You may be writing the most delightful, clever post I could ever hope to read, but if it’s riddled with misspelled words, typos, and sloppy grammar, it just tells me you really don’t care much and then I wonder, “Why should I?”  

4.   I always get done before you do…

Maybe I just don’t have the attention span that I used to.   God knows I don’t have the stamina and so when I click on a link and find myself faced with a wall of prose 2,000-plus words long, it’s like opening a door to a blind date who looks like Quasimodo.   I can’t flee fast enough.

Seriously, you have to be a freakin’ great writer to pull off a post that long and there are only a few who’ve got it in them.  Very few.  

Less really, truly is more.  

And finally, I’m sorry but…

5.   I’m just not that into you…

Hard to believe, I know.   Obviously, my head is up my ass and I have no taste because look at all your devoted followers.   I know you’re quite a catch and I would be a fool to end it, but I’ve really tried to make it work.   We just come from different worlds. 

I’m sorry.  It’s not you, it’s me.  Really.


I’m sure that some tiny heads will now be vanishing from my sidebar and that’s probably just as well.   There are 242 of them over there, give or take a few, and I really only interact with about 40 of you on a regular basis, so who the hell are the other 200 who continue to toy with my heart?     

I guess I have to face the fact that clearly, they’re just not that into me…

Gone through your blogroll lately?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin unite for a cause.  Their own…

No, you’re not experiencing a nightmare the likes of which usually only follow hours of binge-drinking while shooting heroin and smoking crack.  If only…  This one is all too true.  The two biggest media divas around are merging their enormous egos for an episode of “Kate Plus Eight” where the Gosselin brood will travel to Alaska for a camping trip with “The Biggest Loser.”  No, wait.  I’m getting my reality shows confused.  An honest mistake.

Kate and the kids will visit with the ex-mayor, ex-governor, ex-candidate, for a thrill-a-minute romp in the woods.   Sarah is said to be excited and looking forward to teaching Kate how to avoid bears.

Presumably, that will include a fun-filled ride in a helicopter with an AK-47.

###

July is “National Ice Cream Month.”   Who knew…?

In 1984, then President Reagan declared July to be the month that we recognize the popularity of ice cream in the U.S. with “appropriate ceremonies and activities.”  I wonder if standing in unemployment lines is what he had in mind. 

It’s kind of ironic when you think that Reagan’s “Trickle Down” economics and deregulation policies have left American families so awash in corporate urine that many are barely able to feed their kids, much less buy extras like ice cream. 

Unless, of course, "corporate urine" is one of the new flavors being introduced by Baskin-Robbins to celebrate their 65th Anniversary this month.  And by the way, Baskin-Robbins is dumping French Vanilla from its menu, something else I'm sure Faux News will find a way to blame the NAACP for. 

###

Chinese Cock Soccer…

Now there’s a phrase I never thought I’d write.   Trainer Zhang Lijun came up with the idea in 2007 when she noticed her young cocks enjoyed playing with balls.  And really, what young cock doesn’t?   She's now organizing mini-tournaments on city streets.  A team is made up of two roosters who use their feet and wings to handle the ball. 

No word as to whether size matters…

###

America loses another courageous soldier to ignorance.

Lieutenant Dan Choi lost his battle with the Pentagon when his discharge from the Army under the “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” policy was finalized this week. Choi, an Arabic linguist, Iraq Veteran, West Point Graduate, and infantry officer, has been an outspoken opponent of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

According to the Service Members Legal Defense Network, Choi is among 59 gay Arabic linguists, along with 9 gay Farsi linguists, who have faced a discharge from the U.S. military from 2004 through 2009 under the DADT Policy.

Does that make any sense to you?  We’re fighting two wars in Arab-speaking nations and these are the people we’re kicking out.  

What endangers our troops more, the inability to speak and understand the language of our enemy or some bullshit argument about games of peek-a-boo in the showers if gays are allowed to serve?

Please tell your representatives to repeal DADT now.   American lives are on the line. 

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Who says the American entrepreneurial spirit isn’t alive and well?

This week’s “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” award goes to Travis Kevie, a 29-year-old homeless man who broke into an out-of-business bar and set up his own shop.  This budding “Donald Trump” started with a six-pack of beer he bought from a nearby liquor store, then used the money he received to buy more, serving about 30 customers a day. 

He was so successful that a newspaper did a story about the bar reopening leading, not surprisingly, to his inevitable downfall when the Placer County Sheriff’s office recognize his face on the front page.

Still, you gotta admire the guy. 


###

And finally, my favorite comedy clip of the week.  Chelsea Handler talks about strange sex...


Comments refresh like a cold beer on a summer day…


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

injaynesworld we'd like "A Little More Stevie Wonder Please..."

 
The NAACP and The Tea Party are at war with cries and denials of “racism” flying every which way.   Apparently when The Tea Party condones people carrying pictures of President Obama with a bone through his nose at their rallies it’s just good clean fun.

In “Redheads and Dobermans” I joked about some blatant stereotypes of people with different hair color, but I quite seriously often wonder what it would have been like to grow up in a skin color other than white – to have others look at me with suspicion, fear or hatred and make judgments without caring to know who I was as a human being.

If  I’m being honest, I have to admit that there were times in my life when, growing up in an all-white community in the 60s, I was sometimes guilty of doing the same.

In his stand-up act, black comic Jimmie “JJ” Walker once told this joke about the war between the British and Northern Ireland:

          “Protestants and Catholics!   What the fuck?   It just goes to show that in a country without any blacks, Hispanics or Jews, people will improvise.”

Clearly, the election of our first black president has brought to the surface a very ugly racist element in our nation -- something I, in my privileged white-skinned (size 4) ass, had naively thought was buried in the past.    

It makes me sad.   And that’s all I’ve got today.   I’m just sad. 

Are we just genetically programmed to hate and fear those who are different from us?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."


Happy Birthday Etch A Sketch!

The iconic toy turns 50 this week.   We baby boomers gave the world some cool stuff.

Originally invented in France, when French toy companies showed no interest the “magic screen” its inventor sold it to The Ohio Arts Company who has kept the design pretty much the same since 1960.

Enter the world of high-tech.   An Etch A Sketch app is now available with finger-touch drawing, color options and a whole lot of other bells and whistles that the original toy lacks. 

The familiar knob controls are still there, and if you want to start over, that’s the same, too -- just shake your iPhone to erase the image. 

Now iPhone users can have yet another reason to justify their $1500 a year usage fees. 

###

Another heart surgery for Dick Cheney…

This one to install a new pump of some sort.   Apparently, when you’ve got ice water in your veins instead of blood it wears on the equipment.

This guy has had five – count ‘em – five heart attacks, which just proves to me that even the devil doesn’t want him.  

Here’s hoping the pump was designed by BP. 

###

Score one for Civil Rights…

Argentina joined some of the more enlightened nations on the planet this week when it legalized same-sex marriage.   Last week Iceland not only legalized it, but their Prime Minister, Johanna Sigurdardottir, the first openly gay head of state, married her long-time partner under the new law on the day it was passed.

Maybe soon the U.S. will pull its puritanical head out of its ass and extend “liberty and justice” to all of its citizens, too.

###

Condoms to go…

Over 25,000 people are HIV-positive in Switzerland. Every day, two more people are exposed to the virus.   As part of a broader anti-AIDS campaign by Swiss health authorities, that nation's lovers are now only a phone call away from protection.  

Once the heavy-breathing “911” is received, a bike courier is quickly dispatched to deliver a total of three condoms per person, at a cost of $7.50 a package – cheaper than your average pizza delivery and more cost-effective in the long run.

The campaign even has its own catchy slogan:   “We come before you do.”  

No word on size, color or flavor availabilities.

###

By now you've probably heard that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged. 

Had these two just thought to make a condom call we all might be spared the soon-to-be unrelenting coverage of their impending nuptials, an event I expect to be a fully-paid-for network special.   Look for Vera Wang to design the gown.

No sooner was the engagement announced on the cover of US Magazine, then rumors flew that talks are on for the lovebirds to get their own reality show, because nothing says “don’t get pregnant” to teens in “real” America like your own TV show, book tour and $30,000 speaking engagements. 

                                               photo:  TMZ.com/Getty images

The Palins are rapidly knocking Kate Gosselin and the Kardashians out of the top spots for biggest media whores.   And brace yourself because there’s more to come.   They still have Piper, Track, Willow and Trig in the pipeline.  Shoot me.  Oh, wait – they actually will. 

The only thing that gladdens my heart about this is I knows it’s frosting Sarah’s butt big time.   Thanksgiving will be memorable at the Palin household if only for Sarah sitting across from her Playboy posing son-in-law trying to pretend she never saw his spread.  

Oh come – you know she peeked.

Yep, it’s going to get fun.   I can’t wait to see Tina Fey’s take on it.   Meanwhile, here's Tina from SNL with “The All-Palin Network.”



All the cool kids leave comments...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

injaynesworld beware of "Redheads and Dobermans..."

 
Two things you do not want to screw with, or so lore would have it. 

Once upon a time, I was a blond.   That was just so wrong.   I don’t have a blond temperament.   Everyone knows that blonds are perky and sweet, and then there’s all that fun they’re supposed to be having.   

When I was a blond and would say something inappropriate or just plain bitchy (as I often do) I would be called, not surprisingly, “a bitch.”   As a redhead, when I voice those same expressions, people just shrug and mutter, “Redhead…”  And rarely does anyone contest me for a parking space.

Jokes about dumb blonds abound, reinforced by the likes of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, but I’ve known a lot of blonds in my life and only a couple that I’d consider stupid.   However, they all smile way too much for my liking and they seem to have this insatiable need for everyone to like them.   They’re kind of the Labrador Retriever of the hair world.    Redheads consider you fortunate if they like you.  

Then there are brunettes – the serious ones.   You know the type.  The good students,  most likely to succeed, often found in positions of authority, and they all seem to display just a dash of superiority like they know something the rest of us don’t. 

As for brunettes with blond streaks – who the hell knows what’s going on with those people?    

Of course, these are all myths – utter and complete crap -- things we’ve heard and read so many times that we’ve come to believe them.  Blonds are stupid and brunettes are smart?   Come on.   You only have to look at Diane Sawyer and Sarah Palin to bust that myth in the chops.

And we’ve all met the shy, freckle-faced, “carrot-top,” but let’s keep them under raps because I rather like the bad-ass rep I enjoy as a redhead.  

Although often cautioned about “judging a book by its cover,” we make assumptions about people based on their looks all the time.   First impressions based on hair color are pretty benign and quickly confirmed or dispelled, but how many other areas are we quick to judge people based on stereotypes?   

The lazy Mexican.

Italians all have a mobster or two in the family. 

The black welfare mother.  

Overweight people just lack discipline.

The flamboyant gay.

The latest one being put out there by some very well-paid politicians (you know who you are) is:  “Unemployment insurance just discourages people from looking for a job.”   Right.  Because we all know how easy it is to support a family on $250 a week. 

Come on, I’m sure you can think of some more.   Maybe even some that have been leveled at you. 

While we can all laugh at the stereotype of the geek with glasses, the vapid cheerleader, or the dumb jock, many stereotypes can be downright hurtful.   They serve as a way to separate us from others – sometimes out of fear, often out of ignorance.

As I see it is, we’re really all on this bus together just trying to make it through the next day -- something I’m going to try to remember in these tough economic times when the temptation to look for scapegoats is strong.

But I’m keeping my redhead persona and I may just go out and get a Doberman, too.

I like my comments on the rocks with a twist of lime…

Sunday, July 11, 2010

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."


Friday was "Cow Appreciation Day."  Who knew?

Although, considering all they do for us, it doesn’t seem so much to ask.   The Chick-fil-A restaurant chain honored bovines everywhere by offering a free chicken entrĂ©e  to anyone who showed up dressed in a cow costume.  


I’ve never heard of Chick-fil-A, but as any of my friends will tell you I’m a ho for free food.   Refreshments served?   I’m there.  “Yes, your Uncle Lou looks so peaceful.”

Sadly, no Chick-fil-A in my neighborhood, but lots of cows.  Maybe I’ll just go gaze into those big brown eyes, say “Thanks,” and then go get some McNuggets. 

###

A warning to moms everywhere...

Sure your son is cute at five, but unless you want him to grow up to be this guy you'd be smart to instill some self-sufficiency in him starting now.  

A 29-year-old man, still living at home with his parents, pulled a gun on his mother and held her hostage when she refused to iron his clothes, telling her "Ironing is woman's work."

Okay, is it me or does this guy look like his parents might have been just a little too closely related?   

Seriously, when Christmas rolls around and junior asks for a toy truck, you might want to slip Santa a $20 and tell him to bring a toy iron, too.

Oh, and people -- 18 is the luggage birthday. 

###

You can have your sissified World Cup…

If you want to see some serious competition, the Summer Redneck Games in Dublin, Georgia this week was the place to be.   Pictured here is last year’s winner of the mud pit belly-flop contest.  That’s gotta hurt.


The one-day extravaganza also features armpit serenade, watermelon seed spitting and “redneck horseshoes” played with toilet seats.  Yes, sir-ree… You cain’t say these folks don’t know how to have a good time.  And the coveted prize for each of these events?   A half-crushed, mounted beer can.   Hoo-Wee!

Now before you think I’m all looking down my snooty “liberal elite nose,” right here in my own Santa Ynez Valley we have a yearly fundraiser called “Cow Chip Bingo” where the high school football field is divided into numbered squares, three cows are set loose and if a cow dumps its chips on your square you win.   

So you see, the rednecks and I do have something in common.   Now if only I could get them to vote blue. 

###

A step forward for Civil Rights… 

This week a federal judge in Massachusetts ruled against DOMA (“The Defense of Marriage Act,” a truly despicable legacy of the Clinton administration) which defines marriage as “…a legal union only between one man and one woman as husband and wife. ”  The judge cited the 10th Amendment in the Constitution, which says that powers not delegated to the federal government by the Constitution are the powers of the states or the people.

In other words, the feds had no power to enact DOMA in the first place.  Only the states may decide marriage issues and The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, who brought the suit, legalized same-sex marriage in 2005.

The judge also ruled that DOMA violates equal protection guaranteed by the Due Process Clause of the Fifth Amendment.   Seven married couples and three widowers alleged that they have been subject to higher taxes and a lack of health and survivor benefits compared to that of heterosexual married couples.

What does this mean?    Once a state makes a ruling in favor of marriage equality, the federal government must bestow all the same federal benefits on a gay couple that it bestows upon heterosexual couples in that particular state. 

Those fine folks in the Tea Party who are so vocally opposed to what they complain of as the “overreach of federal government power” should be applauding this decision. 

Somehow, I won’t be holding my breath.  

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And finally, Happy Birthday Ringo Starr…

Who turned the big 7-0 this week.   Un-freakin-believable!   Seen here performing “With A Little Help From My Friends” at Radio City Music Hall with Sir Paul McCartney, the boys show they've still got it.  Enjoy…



Comments “light my fire…”  Name that band. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

injaynesworld "What Are The Odds..?"

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I enter everything. Ev-er-y-thing. Raffles, lotteries, online sweepstakes, writing contests... If there's something to be won, I'm totally there. I've endured more than my share of ridicule for this, especially for buying state lottery tickets, and my response is always, "Hey, someone wins. It's not like it's a scam and they never give the money away." Occasionally, I even win. Last spring, I won a $10 gift certificate and a bag of groceries in a local market raffle and I once won $425 in the Fantasy Five lottery. 

But winning isn't just about the prizes, it's about the thrill -- the feeling that for that brief moment you were just a little bit better or luckier than the next guy. It's like the joke that goes, "It's not enough for me to be thin, my friends must also be fat."  That may sound bitchy, but come on... You all know exactly what I'm talking about. We live in a competitive society. From the time we're kids playing soccer or being on the swim team, it's pretty much drummed into our heads that winning is a freakin' big deal.

For me, entering contests is kind of a metaphor for how I've lived my life. I have gambling blood in my veins. My grandfather trained and raced horses for a living. My father, when he was around, would show up with  diamond earrings for my mom one week and we'd be scrambling to pay the rent the next. You'd think such instability would make me cautious and a seeker of security, but it had just the opposite effect. Being used to instability and having survived it made me unafraid to go for long shots like a writing career in Hollywood and actually believe I could achieve it. It made me totally used to times when I had no money and no idea how I would pay my bills or buy food because my mother always told me, "There's always a way" and damned if something hasn't always turned up to pull my butt from the fire just in time.

So how does this relate to entering contests? If you enter, you may not win, but if you don't enter, you sure as hell aren't going to win.  If there's something you want to do in life -- a career switch, a move to a new city, a return to school, whatever -- just go for it!    Because playing it safe?  That's for losers.

What would you like to go for and what's holding you back?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."


Boris and Natasha get busted…

Russian spies were in the news this week.   Looks to me like “The Spy Who Came In From the Cold,” were the spies that got left out in the cold – war, that is.    Were they stuck in a time warp?   Did they just not get the memo? 

What the hell were these secrets they were going to transmit?   One of them was a real estate agent, for God’s sake!  Like the whole world doesn’t know our housing market tanked.   If Russia was hoping for technology secrets I suppose,  "My new Mac has been the buy of the year... Love it!" written by one of them on her Facebook page might qualify. 

Apparently, the FBI has been tracking these people since the 90s.  So this is what they were busy doing when Saudi terrorists were taking 747 flying lessons in the U.S. with emphasis on take-offs

Good job, guys.   I know I feel safer. 

###

Something’s fishy…

Wasilla, Alaska, the town that unleashed Sarah Palin on the world, now has another fine offering for us --  Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka.  Yum.

The master scientist of this concoction explains, “I was trying to think of something Alaskan. What's more Alaskan than smoked salmon? It was one of those epiphanies, I suppose.”

An epiphany… Yeah, they seem to get a lot of those up there.   Wonder if they’ve invited the Russians over to try it yet. 

The current formula took 48 tries to perfect, “Definitely the first few times we had our heave bucket close by, but once we got it down it was fun and games after that.”

You betcha.

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Is it me…?

Or doesn’t a wax figure of Kim Kardashian seem redundant?  

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Last week it was nude rugby…

This week a New Zealand drunk driver, trapped after overturning his car, cracked open another can of beer while he waited for emergency crews to rescue him.   In his defense, his lawyer said that when the guy found he couldn’t open the doors, "he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer."

And really, why wouldn’t you?    I mean, if there was ever a time you needed a drink it would be after rolling your car.  

When asked by police how much he had consumed, the driver replied: "Plenty, I've been drinking for four days straight."

You really can’t make this shit up.

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Happy 4th of July?  Not if you’re a homeless veteran…

This week, in addition to telling 3.1 million jobless Americans to go fuck themselves, Republicans defeated the “Homeless Women Veterans and Homeless Veterans With Children Act” which would have provided funding for programs to help these brave men and women who return from war and, through no fault of their own, find themselves and their children on the street.



With an estimated 107,000 homeless veterans, this is pretty low, even for Republicans.  Apparently it’s okay to give huge tax breaks to CEOs who send American jobs overseas, but not to help out-of-work Americans and homeless veterans.

And these are the fine folks who call themselves the party of “Family Values.” 

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Finally, from my own backyard, so to speak...

Here in the Santa Ynez Valley, a popular wine-tasting destination and a place I’m blessed to call home, a local vintner, Kalyra Winery, hired the Santa Barbara Zoo’s pair of Asian elephants to create the labels for their newest red and white wines. 

In this video, Sujatha and Little Mac used their trunk skills to create the new labels with a variety of strokes.  Kalyra Wines will also honor the “artists” involved, by donating some of the proceeds to the zoo.



Happy Fourth of July!



Comments go well with barbecue and beer…



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