Wednesday, December 28, 2011

injaynesworld we're "Stashing Our Cash..."

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I’m hesitant to make New Year’s resolutions.  I don’t like to give my word unless I know I can keep it, not even to myself.  Actually, especially to myself.   So I’m really going out on a limb here by declaring in this oh-so-public manner that I am going to start socking money away, and I’m going to do it by paying myself 10% out of every paycheck I receive before any blood-sucking creditor gets so much as a shiny damn dime. 

The last time I had a real savings account was when I was in the third grade.  Each week, the teacher would pass out little banking envelopes in which to deposit our stash of pennies, nickels, dimes and the occasional quarter.  It was fun to write the amount on the outside of the envelope and then see our fortunes grow from week to week.   I don’t recall what ever happened to that money.  I suspect I eventually browbeat my mother into letting me take it out and squander it, and I’ve been squandering ever since.

As I grew and no longer had the luxury of being a burden on someone else, it amazed me how many people had their hands in my pocket every month.   Rent, utilities, food, car payments – and this was before big banks figured out how to grab us by the short hairs and keep us enslaved forever.   That’s a whole other descent into the bowels of hell. 

At barely 1% interest these days, I’m not expecting to get rich any time soon.  But with the money out of my immediate eyesight and the safety hatch of a few days transfer time, it will give me just the pause button I need when I come across that fabulous (insert your temptation here) that I just have to have this very minute.

Since the paychecks of a freelancer vary, I fully expect to hear the fiscal anti-Christ whisper in my ear that 10% of this check or that won’t make a bit of difference in the grand scheme.  “Piss off, old dark one,” I will say. 

Happy New Year.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

injaynesworld it's "Another Elfin' Christmas..."



There were many years when I loathed Christmas.   I was alone and struggling to make it in show biz as a writer, with rejection my only steady companion. Christmas with all its gaiety and promise seemed to mock me and each year I swore that I was going to completely ignore it.  Short of a quick hop over to Red China for the month of December, Christmas is about as easy to ignore as a mud slide heading your way.
 
In the end, I would always cave and put up an artificial tree barely twenty inches tall.  Nothing to it.  Out of the box, spread the fake branches, toss on some lights and begrudgingly declare “There!  Are you happy, Christmas?   You won.”  When you feel bad about yourself and bad about your life, it’s hard not to dwell in the valley of dung.   But then something would happen.  The sparkle of that little tree would inevitably lighten my heart just enough that some of that persistent Christmas spirit would sneak past the gargoyle at the gate and manage to find its way inside of me. 

As the years moved on and my career took off, I began to welcome Christmas.  My trees grew in size and splendor and I couldn’t wait to put them up.   The first Monday of each December, friends gathered at my home for tree-trimming and tomato bisque soup – a tradition carried on for 15 years.  But, as we all know, nothing lasts forever and either we define our circumstances or they define us.


Last year, there was no eight-foot tree, no party, no traditional tomato bisque soup.  Money was tight again, but Christmas came just as it always does and I found that my small table-top tree warmed my heart just as much as its larger predecessors.   



This year I’ve come full-circle.   A limited income, a tiny home and, once again, another tree barely 20 inches tall.   I guess I could have chosen not to bother, but I’ve learned that giving in to Christmas is a lot easier than fighting it and it’s a fight I’m happy to say I lost long ago anyway.   I often hear people who live alone say, “Why should I decorate?  It’s just me, after all.”  And now I always say to them, “Who’s more important than you?”   

It’s not called “the magic of Christmas” for nothing.   All it asks is that you meet it halfway.  Merry Christmas…

And now go Elf yourselves…

video


Sunday, December 11, 2011

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

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Islam’s answer to Rick Perry...

Muslims the world over are hanging their heads in embarrassment over an Islamic cleric’s recent ban on women touching bananas, carrots and cucumbers, citing their resemblance to male genitalia and thus a danger of "sexual thoughts."   I, personally, have never seen a green penis, nor one that could be peeled.  The only orange one that might qualify is John Boehner’s.  

Should Muslim women wish to eat these items, a male must cut the offending produce up into small pieces out of sight of the woman and serve it -- and we all know how eager Muslim men are to wait on their women.  

Some religious leaders have denounced the cock-obsessed cleric as giving Islam a bad name.  Others have called him “retarded” – giving the mentally challenged a bad name. 

Meanwhile, women in other parts of the Muslim world can still be raped as long as they marry their rapists.   No problem there.

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Here in the U.S. we have our own special way of making sure women know their place by starting their indoctrination young…

Teach your little girl to aspire to the domestic service industry this Christmas with “My Little Trolley” cleaning cart. 


But always remember her true calling as a sex object with Pole Dancer Patty…


And because it’s never too soon for a little girl to start obsessing about her boobies, “Breastfeeding Baby,” comes complete with sucking sounds.


Photo credits:  Huffington Post.

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This just makes me sad…



The only Lindsay Lohan twins I want to see are these.







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For a positive role model, look no further than Hillary Clinton…

… who this week gave a historic speech in Geneva where she declared “… protection of human rights for gay people will now be a priority of U.S. foreign policy,” tying it to the receipt of U.S. foreign aid.   Notice the standing ovation.  There's something you don't often see for a U.S. representative.

Getty image

Thank you, Madame President.  Uh… “Secretary.”   

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Our congratulations to Rosie O’Donnell…

… who announced her engagement to partner, Michelle Rounds this week.  The couple will marry in New York where the nuptials are legal, while Obama’s opinion on same-sex marriage continues to “evolve.”

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And it looks the Newt Gingrich may be the GOP’s date to the prom.



Meanwhile, Mitt snagged a major endorsement this week from former vice-president, Dan Quayle.  Remember him?   The genius who apparently didn’t know that “Murphy Brown” was a fictional character.

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And for all of those still delusional enough to believe the Republican Party gives a flying crap about them…


Unless, of course, you happen to be a fetus.  Out of the womb?  Out of luck.

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And finally, in the spirit of the season…


If you enjoyed the Sunday Recap, please share.  Thank you.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

injaynesworld we are now "Suitable for Giving..."


The best of IJW, according to your comments, is now “Suitable for Giving.”   The most fun about putting together this compilation of 19 essays from the last two years, was reading all your comments again. You’re a funny bunch.   You should write blogs.

The book is called “Suitable for Giving” because it’s Christmas and you have to buy gifts anyway.  Could I be any more obvious?   I considered naming it “Tales from a Size 4 Ass,” but that just didn’t seem in keeping with the spirit of the season, and I worried people might confuse it with one of those celebrity diet books.  


Each month, I’ll be selecting a different group to receive a portion of the profits.   For the month of December, I’m donating $1/paperback and .50/e-book to Elayne Boosler’s “Tails of Joy” pet rescue.    It’s a small organization with no paid staff.   Just Elayne and her desire to make a difference in the lives of animals.  

So, come on.  How long has it been since you replaced that old reading material in your bathroom?   And really, who doesn’t want a good laugh when they’re sitting on the throne? 

One more thing… None of this writing would have been possible without your support, encouragement and friendship.    You all literally helped me find my voice again.   If I could step through my computer and hug each one of you I would… Well, some of you… Nah.  I really wouldn’t do that, but do believe me when I say I am so very, very grateful.

Thank you.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."


Mrs. Brady gets crabs… (shameless plug alert)

Why is it that celebrities, especially those looking to shed their wholesome images, feel the need to share way too much about themselves?    I’ve obviously been living under a rock, because it was only this week that I became aware of Florence Henderson’s recent memoir where one of America’s favorite TV-mom spills on a one-nighter she had with then NewYork Mayor John Lindsay and the post-coital critters he gave her to remember him by. 

What’s next?  Will Mrs. Cunningham reveal that she went down on the Fonz?    Did Maggie Seaver get it on with Shirley Partridge?    Do whatever makes you happy ladies, but honestly, I don’t need to know.  Flo's is one book I don't find "Suitable for Giving" at all.  
  


Unlike mine, which will be out this week, at least in paperback and guaranteed crabs-free.

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Nothing says “Good Tidings to All” like a grenade launcher…

From Arizona, the state that brought us the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords and slaughter of six others, those merry folks at the Scottsdale Gun Club bring you the Christmas family photo op of your sick-ass dreams.



Calling it just a “fun way” for people to “express their holiday spirit and passion for firearms,” I can only wonder how much fun the loved ones of those injured and killed on that tragic day see in this.

Teach your children well…

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In the real spirit of the season…

Folks in Reading, PA, a town dubbed one of America’s poorest cities, were visited by a “Secret Santa” sporting a hat that said “Elf” and handing out crisp new $100 dollar bills to folks in need, including a young, despondent out-of-work father, a mother of six and even the dishwasher at the local Salvation Army.  Making his way through the downtown streets, “Santa” gave away $20,000 dollars before he was through and plans visits to other hard-hit cities, as well.

Continuing in the Secret Santa tradition of the late Larry Stewart who gave away $1.3 million over 25 years until his death in 2006, the current Santa, who will identify himself only as a businessman, said “Cities like Reading are experiencing tough economic times.  It’s time for us to step up, not step back.”   In return for his gifts, “Santa” asks only that the recipients do something nice for someone else this Christmas season.
Now doesn’t this make up for the crabs and guns stories?
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GOP plays the Trump card…

Yes, the Donald has been selected to be the moderator of the next Republican debate.    Ron Paul has refused to attend, stating that the choice of Trump will create a “circus-like atmosphere.” In response, Trump said to Paul, “I know you are, but what am I?”   This is what the party of Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt has come to.    

I can only assume that none of the Kardashians were available.

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With Cain having imploded and Romney unable to get any respect at all…



It looks like the GOP’s great white dope for the White House will be a fat guy named after a lizard.


But don’t let that ruin your Christmas.

With thanks to Nance at Mature Landscaping for this video.




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