Wednesday, September 30, 2015

injaynesworld "Lessons in Motion..."

So many body parts to think about – his, yours – it’s no wonder your relationship has problems.  It’s not like driving a car, where after a while it becomes second-nature, leaving you able to dance in your seat to the latest Pharell Williams beat, chat on Bluetooth or apply mascara while at a stop.  No.  With him you must always be vigilant, thinking ahead, lest he take the controls. 

While idling at a stop signal and planning to turn right, your car won’t suddenly perceive a ghost at its side, leap into the air, and bolt to the left.  If you apply the brakes, your vehicle, most likely, will stop.  Indicate your interest in putting the brakes on things with him and he may or may not take “whoa” for an answer.  He may confuse it with another word, that of “go.” After all, your legs are wrapped tightly around his sides and usually that means full speed ahead.   It’s an understandable mistake.  If he does decide to comply with your request to slow things down, he may do so abruptly, allowing your forward motion to continue well beyond his. This is never desirable as there are no airbags.

Load up your car with all the gear you need for that ski vacation, step on the gas and you will hear nary a complaint as it happily transports you to the highest snowy peak.  Put on a few pounds and he will find you less desirable and complain of back pain.  Oh, he won’t do this aloud.  He’s far more passive-aggressive than that.  Maybe he’ll just turn his backside to you when you arrive at his door, or run to the far end of the field in a rousing game of “Catch me if you can.”  You can’t.  You exhaust yourself trying and realize yes, you may indeed have put on a few pounds.  You resolve to go to the gym, leaving him to cast a triumphant glance over his shoulder as you hobble to your compliant motor vehicle.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

injaynesworld it's "Boinking Pills for Everyone!..."

Sprout Pharmaceuticals announced a new FDA-approved sex pill for men women this week.   And it’s pink!   Just for us girls!  Yes, the industry that brought us hormones made from horse urine now wants to make us horny. 

Here are just some of the things you might want to know:

"...combining the pill with alcohol can cause dangerously low blood pressure and fainting."  Sounds like the stuff Cosby was slipping women.

"This is not a drug you take an hour before you have sex. You have to take it for weeks and months in order to see any benefit at all."  If I have to go without alcohol for weeks or months in order to have sex – Wait a minute.  Why would anyone even want to have sex without alcohol?  What am I?  Amish?  

"Sprout Pharmaceutical's drug is intended to treat women who report emotional stress due to a lack of libido."  I've never known a woman who couldn't solve any kind of stress with chocolate.

“Safety advocates and pharmaceutical critics warn that Addyi is a problem-prone drug for a questionable medical condition.”   Because obviously women must be sick if they don’t want to do the old in-and-out, says a male-dominated drug industry.  And if they’re not, hey -- we’ll just make them think they are.  Can’t wait for the SNL skits on this one.

“Addyi is the first drug that acts on brain chemicals that affect mood and appetite.”  But alcohol already puts me in a good mood and caffeine curbs my appetite.  And if I’m happy and skinny, I’ll probably want to have sex.  

“Studies show that on average Addyi increased the number of so-called satisfying sexual events by half to one additional event per month over a placebo.”  Half?  WTF is half of a satisfying sexual event?  Oh, right.  That’s when he gets off and you don’t.  Can’t get enough of those, can we ladies?

“A lobbying group funded by Sprout began publicizing the lack of drugs for female sexual dysfunction as a ‘women's rights issue’ last year:  Women deserve equal treatment when it comes to sex."  Equal, huh?  We have to take a psychotropic drug every day, but guys just have to pop a boner pill when the mood suits them.  Yeah, that’s equal.

I can only imagine the women whose partners will be pressuring them to take this shit...  Pass the tequila.  I’ll show you a sexually satisfying experience.

To read the entire article at The Huffington Post and make up your own mind click here.

Monday, July 6, 2015

injaynesworld it's our "Quest for Immortality..."

Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester rifle fortune, believed she could buy immortality.  The Winchester Mystery house in San Jose, California, is the embodiment of that belief.  The elaborate mansion with its doors that open onto walls and staircases to nowhere was never designed to be functional.  It was designed to simply grow for it was Sarah’s belief that as long as carpenters were hammering and sawing away, which they did 24 hours a day, seven days a week, she would never die. 

She was wrong, of course, but that hasn’t stopped me from forming my own belief about achieving immortality.


Judd Apatow, TV producer and author of “Sick in the Head: Conversations about Life and Comedy” recently stated about his own obsession with books:  “I seem to think that buying them is the same as reading them.”  He misses the point.

Maybe it’s because I’m in those blurry years between middle-age and old age (kind of like a tween - too old for toys, too young for boys – but with wrinkles), and starting to see the “exit” sign up ahead, but I’ve been thinking more and more that I’d like to stick around, like for a long time.  So I buy books.

Here’s my theory:  As long as there are unread books by my bedside, I will not die. 

To that end, I buy more books than I will ever have time to read and, when I see that I’m catching up, I buy still more.  They’re all wonderful books and I have every intention of reading them and, if my theory proves true, I will.   

With the advent of e-readers, it’s so easy.  While I love the feel of physical books, and I buy those, too, I have limited space in which to store them, but my reader holds the next potential 100 years of my life in its digital heartbeat.  I keep it plugged into the charger 24/7.  Much like Sarah Winchester’s belief that if the sound of carpentry stopped so would she, a dead battery could prove, well, deadly.

“The ravings of a crazy old woman!” you might say.  But we’ll just see who lives the longest, won’t we?

Friday, June 26, 2015

injaynesworld we celebrate "Marriage Equality..."

This little blog has been mighty quiet lately, but I could not miss out on celebrating with not only all my gay readers, but all who believe that the freedom to marry the person you love is a basic civil and human right.  Today the Supreme Court declared it to be so.   Yes, the Court that has gotten so much wrong finally pulled something right out of their asses not once, but twice in one week!   I think we all owe a debt of thanks to Ruth Bader Ginsberg for staying alive, alert, and her bad ass self. 

But enough of politics.  Today I removed the white knot image that says “I support marriage equality.”  As Ariana Grande puts it, “I got 99 problems but you’re not one.”  And make no mistake, we still have a crapload of inequality in this country, but today legalized bigotry against our gay friends, parents, brothers and sisters is no longer one!

Now will someone please invite me to a gay marriage ceremony.  I’m not getting any younger, you know!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

injaynesworld "Bite Me... A New Recap"

… and other tales of woe.

I thought I had pretty good street cred in the spider world. 

Stuck in my house due to your own poor sense of direction?  I will cover you with a plastic ice cream container kept handy especially for this use, gently slide a piece of cardboard underneath your delicate legs, and release you into your natural habitat.  I’ve been saving the lives of spiders since I became a country girl in 1994, certainly long enough to have gained some redemption for the many that drown in a puddle of Raid at my hand during my city years. 

One.  Would.  Think.

On Thursday, I developed flu-like symptoms:  Chills, fever, aches and pains.  But it wasn’t the flu.  And it wasn’t a cold.  I was left to toss back Advil and hot tea, and wonder WTF?  On Saturday, still feeling like crap, I discovered what appeared to be a bullet hole in my ass.  Right upper cheek.  But it wasn’t a bullet hole.  Some stealth s.o.b. arachnid, likely when I was asleep, chomped down and then injected me with enough venom to make me his fucking bride.  So far I have not developed an appetite for flies or sprouted additional limbs, but I have brewed up some venom of my own toward the species that, heretofore, had been on the receiving end of my benevolence.  Today I saw a spider cross the kitchen floor in front of me.  I stepped on him and then left his squashed carcass for his friends to find.  Let the word go forth!   You enter my home at your peril.


Here’s something to smile about.  George "Murderous Psychopath" Zimmerman got shot this week when he waved a gun a another driver during a road rage incident.  Nice to see him on the receiving end of a bullet for a change.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t fatal so he'll likely be set loose once again.  Where's ISIS when you really need them? 


By now you all know that Tom “Overinflated Ego” Brady was outted as one of the prime instigators of “Deflategate.”  Apparently, Brady doesn’t have the balls to play fair.  What an asshole.  For a punishment he gets suspended for four games next season and the team gets fined a million bucks.  Big deal.  So he’ll sit it out on his yacht with the missus.  How about stripping the entire team of their Super Bowl championship and the paychecks that came with it?   On the other hand, this is the NFL.  What more should we expect? 

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be football players.


Obama gave the okay to Shell Oil to start drilling in the Arctic Circle.  Yep.  The same folks responsible for these headlines:

Shell Oil Spills Nearly Doubled In 2011

There’s truly no hope, people. 


And just when I thought things were looking up with the discovery of the Netflix comedy “Grace and Frankie...” 

I learn that Paula “Could She Be More Vapid” Abdul is replacing Mary “Hot Tamale Train” Murphy on “So You Think You Can Dance,” one of my favorite shows.

I hope a spider bites her on the ass.  

But I couldn't leave this post on such a negative note.  It was, after all, Mother's Day this week and moms rock! 

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