injaynesworld we are "Stalking Nora Ephron..."

Nora Ephron is one of my very favorite writers.   In my book, nobody does humor writing better.  

Well known for such hit comedies as “Sleepless in Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail,” her newest movie, this year’s “Julie & Julia,” is probably my favorite of all her work.   I actually got all teary-eyed at the end and eliciting tears from me, especially in public, is no easy feat.  Crying was something I was taught should be done in private, like moving one’s bowels.  

Her most recent book, “I Feel Bad About My Neck…” is a collection of drop-dead-funny essays about growing older as a woman.   If I’d written it the title would have been “I Feel Bad About My Arms…”   It’s not that I have wings that hang down and flap in the breeze when I wave to a neighbor.   I actually have thin arms and fairly well-toned ones at that.   It’s just that the skin on them no longer fits.  I don’t know what the hell happened.  It’s kind of like how jeans get after you’ve washed them one too many times and the Lycra is all worn out.   Yeah, you get the picture.    My arms need to be shrink-wrapped.    Why hasn’t someone invented a machine for that – where you could stick your arms into plastic wrap sleeves, hear a loud sucking sound and voila!    Tight, toned arms of a 20-year-old.   Someone could make a bundle off such a machine.  But I digress…

Nora and I have a lot in common and I firmly believe we would be great friends.  We share a similar view of the world, are of the same generation and we’re both writers, though I in no way, shape or form delude myself by thinking we are in the same league.  In fact, if we were sisters, she’d be the talented one and I’d be the one awkwardly attempting to follow in her footsteps that everyone would feel they had to be nice to.  Still, I’d get to hang out with her and that, in itself, would make it all worthwhile. 

I tried to friend her on Facebook last year.   At that time she only had seven friends and one of them is Hillary Clinton, so how cool would that have been?    But she ignored me.   I know!   I was shocked, too.

Then I entered an essay contest that she was judging through Elle magazine.  The winner would have had her essay included in Ephron’s newest play, “Love, Loss and What I Wore,” AND gotten flown to NY to meet her and see the show.   Those of you who’ve read my post, “The Reluctant Traveler…” know how I feel about flying, but I figured if I could meet Nora Ephron, fuck it – I could die happy.   Well, I didn’t win,  but I can’t tell you how special it makes me feel to know that my idol Nora held my work in her very own hands and personally rejected me.   

Now that our paths have crossed I’m going to attempt to “friend” her again and I’ve composed the following message:

Dear Nora,

Thank you so much for considering my Elle essay entry, “That Special Dress.”  While I didn’t win, I want you to know that I bear you no grudge as I’m sure that must be weighing on you heavily. 

To show you how magnanimous I am and out of a friendship that I know, once developed, will be deep and meaningful and span the rest of our lives, I invite you to be my “friend” here on Facebook --  and if you should ever need a kidney, look no further.  

Your bff, Jayne

How could she possibly resist?

Comments are like “Pringles.”  You can’t just have one…

injaynesworld it's "Sunday Recap Time..."

It was a slow news week, but I did manage to dig up a few tidbits...

Rush Limbaugh was admitted to a hospital this week complaining of pains in his chest.  Doctors were admittedly puzzled when, upon examination, they found it to be hollow…   That was just too easy.

###

You think you hate spending the holidays with your relatives?   A guy in Rome took that to a whole new level.   The 35-year-old man first showed up at a police station on Thursday asking to be arrested because he preferred spending New Year’s Eve in prison than with his family.   Turned away because he had not committed a crime, the resourceful fellow immediately went to a shop next door and threatened the owner with a box cutter as he grabbed a few sweets and a pack of gum. He then waited until police arrived to arrest him for robbery… If you want to do the time, apparently you’ve got to do the crime. 

###

Officials in Ohio are trying to sell this nifty motorized bar stool on Ebay.   It was confiscated from its owner who was arrested for operating it while drunk and charged with a DUI.   A high bid of $1,125 was reached in an auction that ended December 13^th, but the buyer didn’t come through with payment.   So if you want it, contact officials in Newark, Ohio, who are planning on putting it in a live auction this month.   It could go quite nicely with the motorized cupcake from Dec 20^th’s Sunday Recap, don’t you think?

###

Finally, while gay marriage is now legal in the state of New Hampshire, just don’t get caught cheating on your spouse.  The state still has a 200-year-old law on the books criminalizing adultery.  The original punishments — including standing on the gallows for an hour with a noose around the neck — have been reduced to a $1,200 fine.   I rather like the noose idea myself…

All the really cool kids leave comments...
 

injaynesworld we are "Kickin' 2009 To The Curb..."

This past year was one of the roughest I can recall for just about everyone except health insurance company CEOs, but don’t get me started on that… I doubt I’m alone when I say “Hey, 2009 -- Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”  One bright spot for me, however, was getting my writing mojo back after a long absence. 

Having spent so many years writing for television where it’s not uncommon for one’s efforts to never reach any kind of audience, being able to have a forum for my work and a readership that would actually respond and interact has been like Christmas morning every day. 

Some of you have been here from the beginning and visit on a regular basis, others drop by from time to time, still others have done drive-by’s, never to be heard from again.  But slowly, steadily, more tiny heads have begun to sprout in my sidebar and for that I am truly grateful.   You make it possible for me to do what I love second only to being on the back of a horse and that is to write.   I’ve said it before… A writer needs an audience.

As is tradition this time of year, I thought I’d break open the vault and dust off a few of my personal favorites of 2009.

Out of My Hands tells of the time I fell off my cute new red high heels and broke my neck.   No, really.   I broke my freakin’ neck.  

The Reluctant Traveler or… Hell No, I Won’t Go – and this was written before the crazy Nigerian burned his balls off on Christmas.  

Solo At Sixty weaves a somewhat embellished tale featuring a flirtation with tattoos and my fascination with bag ladies.

Birthers and Deathers and Liars – Oh My! was my first political rant wherein I kick some serious butt and take no prisoners.  

Some Apps We’d Really Like to See, starting with one that makes me a Margarita.

Finally, The Economy Is Kicking My Ass is something I think everyone will relate to. 

If you like what you read, look around some more.   Take your time.   No one’s going to turn out the lights and lock you in.   You’ll find wine and cheese in the fridge.   Extra toilet paper’s in the hall closet in case it runs out.    Meanwhile, I’ll be off watching Kathy Griffin humiliate Anderson Cooper on CNN again this year. 

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year from me, Dixie and Mason.  

If you leave a comment, Dixie will do the happy dance...

injaynesworld we'll give it "One More Damn Try..."

One day I fully expect my rotting carcass to be found sitting upright at my computer, buried to my eyeballs under piles and piles of papers that have finally manage to suck the last breath of air from my body despite a lifetime of effort to file, throw out, recycle or otherwise control their relentless onslaught.     

I will still be dressed in my writing attire of coffee-stained sweats, a petrified half-eaten bagel clutched in my hand, while my emaciated dog and cat dig beneath the rubble to nibble on what’s left of my toes for nourishment. 

In keeping with the “This Time I really Mean It” theme set forth by fellow blogger, Nanny Goats in Panties, in 2010 I will attempt to amend this nightmare scenario in the following ways: 

I will refrain from dumping any and all paper-related items onto my kitchen table the second I rush in the door just because of an accelerated need to pee.  Oh sure, I say I’ll put them in their proper place later, but I never do. 

I vow to be able to locate the top of my desk and my keyboard on the first try without fear that under all that clutter something lives that may regard my probing fingers as a snack of some sort. 

The newspaper will be read on day it arrives or immediately throw it away.   Everything’s on the Internet.   Why do I even get a  paper anymore? 

I will finally give in and sign up for e-bills.  Other documents will be placed in file folders expressly for that purpose (unlike my current method of tossing them on the floor and hoping they file themselves). 

Actual notepads (Post-Its count) will be used to write on as opposed to the back of a torn open envelope that I then must save because I’ve now bestowed upon it some great importance. 

Napkins will be used only once, then disposed of even if they still have a square inch or two where another swipe across my mouth would be possible.   Same with Kleenex.   I cannot be personally responsible for saving every single tree.

Magazines will be neatly stacked next to my bed and, immediately upon receiving a new issue, last month’s will be discarded whether I’ve read it or not.   And how is it that I'm getting so many?   When did that happen?

All these things I vow.   I will probably fail miserably, but I vow nonetheless.   

It’s not that I haven’t tried -- repeatedly, earnestly tried -- to do all this before.   I’m always quite proud of how tidy my kitchen looks when I’ve managed to clear the paper clutter from my table for however briefly.   Then it’s as if poltergeists run amok.   I don’t even see it happening, but there it is -- baaaack and mocking me once again.

Maybe I should just resign myself to ending up like a modern day Miss Havisham, but I’m nothing if not tenacious, so I’ll fight on because this time --  THIS TIME -- I really mean it.

What resolutions have you made that you know you will totally crap out on? 

Over at Nanny Goats in Panties you can read how others are fooling themselves, too…

If you leave a comment I’ll file it.  I promise…

injaynesworld it's time for the "Sunday Recap..."

Starting off with something I meant to write yesterday…  Despite the efforts of retailers anxious to push us on to Valentine’s Day, Christmas is not over.  Christmas day is the beginning and not the culmination of the Christmas season which actually ends on January 6^th, the day known in Christianity as The Epiphany.  Hence “The Twleve Days of Christmas.”  Growing up, my mother always referred to January 6^th as “Little Christmas” and on that day we would exchange one last small gift.   So whether you celebrate The Epiphany or consider it your final chance to collect more loot, my point is you can choose to keep Christmas in your heart and home for another 10 days.   Then, really, it has to go.

###

Moving on now, in the “no-points-lost-for-bad-behavior” category, this week Tiger Woods was voted both PGA Tour Player of the Year (presumably that was the Skank Tour), and Golfer of the Year… because nothing says “champ” like a ho in one.

Meanwhile, Serena Williams was a landslide choice as Female Athlete of the Year by members of The Associated Press, despite her infamous tirade at a line judge after a disputed call.  With the characteristic humility of the entitled, Williams said, “People realize that I’m a great player, and one moment doesn’t define a person’s career.”   No, Serena, just their character.

Finally, Michael Vick has been voted the Ed Block Courage Award by his teammates for “exemplifying commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage” citing his inspiring road back to the NFL after a much-too-short prison stint for the brutal torture and killing of hundreds of innocent dogs.  It would seem no coincidence that a recent study has shown widespread incidents of brain damage among players in the NFL, presumably affecting the areas associated with good judgment and decency.

All three expressed disappointment on missing out on the coveted “Role Model of the Year Award,” which went to Kanye West. 

###

If you were the lucky recipient of jewelry this year, you might want to give it a closer look.  The Bloomington, Illinois zoo has netted a cool $21,000 selling necklaces and Christmas ornaments made from… wait for it… reindeer dung.   The droppings are dehydrated, sterilized, spray-painted with glitter and called “Magical Reindeer Gems,” giving a whole new meaning to the term “a really crappy gift.”

###

Because my home state of California isn’t already known as the land of nut jobs, here comes those fun Tea Bagger folks to pile on even more of the crazy.  Clearly frustrated in their attempt to convince people that the government was out to kill granny, The Glenn Beck Choir of Loons is now partnering with churches to gather signatures for a ballot initiative which would require children to sing Christmas carols at school, imposing penalties on schools that don’t comply.   You can’t make this stuff up…

###

This week’s “Golden Balls” Award goes to Senator Al Franken for effectively telling Joe LIEberman to STFU by objecting to LIEberman’s request for more time to rant against the proposed Senate health care bill.   Immediately, hypocritical old fart John McCain rose to his feet in indignation:  In all his years in the Senate he had never seen such disgraceful behavior!  Really, John?   Let’s just take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?   October, 2002, the debate on a little matter of going to war in Iraq.  Democratic Senator Mark Dayton asks for 30 additional seconds to finish his remarks to which Senator McCain replied (and give me a moment, because I want to be absolutely accurate here -- oh yeah…) “I object.”

###

Finally, a little plug for my good friend Kristi Stevens at Stepford Stories who’s doing her first giveaway for a chance to win a $200 Visa Gift Card.  Lest you think too highly of me for pimping my friend’s blog, I feel compelled to let you know that I get another entry just for posting this… and I’m nothing if not self-serving.

If you leave a comment you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have contributed to my general, overall feeling of well-being…

injaynesworld we go to "Santa School..."

Becoming Santa involves much more than a tubby tummy, facial hair and the ability to ho, ho, ho…

At the Charles W. Howard Santa School in Midland, Michigan, wannabe Santas have been arriving every October since 1937 to learn how to transform themselves into the Santa of a child’s dreams.   The curriculum includes everything from movement and voice, to trips to toy stores to brush up on what are sure to be this year’s most requested items, but the one thing that can’t be taught is the Spirit of Santa and that’s what each of these students brings with them in their hearts. 

As we grow older, our belief in so much fades.   I remember trying to hold on so hard.  Till well into my teens I would have my picture taken with Santa and give that photo to my mom.  

It’s said that Christmas is for children and certainly that’s true, but every Christmas Eve when I go to bed I still listen for the sound of sleigh bells… and sometimes I even hear them.  

May your Christmas be merry and bright.

                                                           

If you leave a comment you, too, may hear sleigh bells...

injaynesworld it's "Sunday Recap" time...

Well, ain’t Oregon just the happening place to be.  First they open the Cannabis Café, offering its patrons weed, music and food – all the elements of a good time.  Now, to show their opposition to a proposed ban on public nudity, an Ashland art gallery doing a showing of nudes.   Nudity is legal in Ashland, except in the city center and public parks where people are required to cover their genitals.  I say what’s the point of being nude if you can’t show off your hoo-ha.  The event is advertised as “clothing optional” for attendees.   For those concerned with “shrinkage” in this winter weather, fear not.  Gallery owners assure all that heaters will be provided…

                                                 ###

Meanwhile, New York nudists totally wussed out…  Thwarted by snow, bicyclists who planned to go topless to protest the removal of a New York City bike lane chose instead to pin plastic breasts over their jackets… because nothing says “Don’t fuck with my bike lane” like a plastic tit.

                                                 ###

And because who can get enough of the train wreck that is Tiger Woods, now his doctor is being investigated for suspicion of providing athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, which could provide him with a nifty little defense in divorce court.  “Really Your Honor, my wandering woody was all his fault.”

                                                 ###

We can all celebrate the fact that Kevin Jonas, of the “purity-ring” wearing Jonas Brothers is finally getting laid.   Vowing to remain a virgin until marriage, he wed his longtime girlfriend on Saturday.    No word on the purity status of his bride.   Personally, I hope at least one of those crazy kids knows what the hell they’re doing.

                                                  ###

What’s more frustrating than trying to find that perfect holiday gift for the person on your list who has everything?    Or the passive-aggressive bastard who always gets you a better gift that you gave to him…

Yes.  It's a customized cupcake car.  Never again be humiliated by an inadequate gift.  For a mere $25,000 your friend can cruise the neighborhood in this puppy.  Powered by a 24-volt electric motor, it tops out at 7 mph -- fast enough to wipe out the local postman, but probably too slow to elude the dog that was chasing him.                           
                                                  ### 

No winner of the “Golden Balls” award this week, but the “Dickless Wonder” award goes to President Obama for his disgraceful lack of leadership on meaningful health care reform.   Oh no she didn’t!   Yeah.  I did.  What part of  “… where nothing is sacred” didn’t you understand? 

If you leave a comment a partridge really will appear in your pear tree...