Valentine’s Day… Ah, yes. A day to celebrate love. A day for lovers to snuggle in that candle-lit corner booth, gaze into each other’s eyes and proclaim their undying affections. A day retailers everywhere go out of their way to make you feel special because you are a twosome.
Yes, today is your day. As for me and singles everywhere? Not so much… Here’s what we get:
Happy No Candy For You Day
Happy You Can Forget About Flowers Too Day
Happy Don’t Even Think About A Card -- It Ain’t Gonna Happen Day
Happy You Get To Order From The Regular Menu Day
Happy Mercy Call From Mom Day
Happy Yes That Is Pity In Their Eyes You See Day
Happy Double-Occupancy-Only Day
Now lest you think I’m complaining about being single, let me assure you otherwise. I could have married if I’d wanted. I had suitors. I’m not exactly leper material. And I have nothing against those who choose to pair up. Mazel tov. All I ask is that as a single I, too, get a day dedicated to recognizing, celebrating, and rewarding my awesomeness.
According to the last census, there were 92 million of us single types here in the old U. S. of A.
In the 1980s, the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio started “National Singles Week” to be celebrated each September 21st through the 27th. So how come I didn’t get the memo? Huh? Ninety-two million of us and Hallmark can’t even come out with a damn card? Obviously, this is a vast right-wing conspiracy to keep us down.
Happy Thank You For Using Less Resources, You Get A Tax Break Week
Happy The Toilet Seat Stays In The Position Of Your Choosing Week
Happy Buy What You Want It’s Your Money Week
Happy Only Put Up With Your Own Family’s Bullshit Week
Happy Ice Cream For Dinner? No Problem Week
Happy No Endlessly Stroking Someone Else’s Ego Week
Happy That Remote Has Your Name On It Week
Happy No Explanations To Anyone For Anything Week
Happy You Made It On Your Own Good For You Week
Oh, yeah… and I’ll be expecting gifts.
