Let's see if I still remember how to do these things...
What’s in a name…?
When Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab set out to make a name for himself and get some of those 72 virgins promised in all the brochures, being forever known as the “Underwear Bomber” probably wasn’t what he had in mind.
Entering a plea of guilty this week to attempting to blow up a plane bound for Detroit in 2009 with a homemade bomb tucked neatly between his balls, one can only assume Umar was last in his class at training camp.
His first mistake was choosing a plane bound for Detroit. Either the boys back at terrorist dispatch were hazing the new guy or all the good cities were taken. I mean, seriously, like folks on a plane going to Detroit actually have something to live for. I can only imagine his pride when he came up with the genius idea of hiding the bomb in his drawers -- because nothing says “Hey, nothin’ goin’ on here,” like the smell of singed pubes. Now our wayward warrior is destined for a life in prison, his “tidy whities” perennially around his ankles, and the butt of every gang-banger’s “Is that a bomb in your pants...?” joke. There will be no virgins for Umar and his only claim to fame a footnote in the jihadists new edition of “How Not To Blow Up A Plane."
Leave the driving to us…
Never one tempted by the sport of marathon running, or running at all for that matter, I nonetheless admire those committed souls who will push their bodies to their limits and beyond to run in a sweaty, smelly pack of like-minded individuals all for the public glory or even just personal satisfaction of completing their stated goal of crossing a finishing line miles away. I mean, that is the whole point, right?
Apparently, Rob Sloan, a runner in the U.K.’s Keilder 26.2 Mile Marathon didn’t get the memo. After turning in a third-place finish and declaring the race “unbelievably tough,” the bloke was busted when it was learned that he had hopped on a spectator shuttle bus and ridden the last 6.2 miles of the race, before emerging from the woods near the finish line. Blimey! (my friend Annie would say) That takes some nerve. Turns out people in cars following the bus saw him get on and off and then run through the bushes. I’ll bet the folks on the bus must’ve had their suspicions, as well. Seriously, dude. You really thought no one would notice? You must be out of the same gene pool as the “Underwear Bomber.”
Under the "But where would you put it?" category...
If you had $908, 245 and questionable taste, you too could have purchased this statue of supermodel Kate Moss contorted in a yoga pose and made out of 10 kilograms of 18-caret gold at the Sotheby’s auction house in London this week.
The lucky bidder, it turns out, was from Asia, home to all those American jobs we used to have.
Personally, I don’t get the appeal. Maybe if it was made out of chocolate. Complete that fantasy on your own.
The "Steaming Pile of Shit Award" this week goes to the Topeka City Council...
...for decriminalizing domestic violence.
The conflict is over how to fund the enforcement of domestic abuse prosecution. With budget cuts of 10% facing city and county departments, including the D.A.’s office, domestic violence cases have become the hot potato tossed back and forth between law enforcement agencies, none of which want it on their books. The D.A.’s recent decision to save money by not prosecuting such cases, instead dumping them on the city’s doorstep, led to the city council’s vote of 7 to 3 to simply decriminalize the misdemeanor.
Seems to me like the problem right off the bat is classifying it as a “misdemeanor” in the first place, putting it in the same category as shoplifting which, by the way, will still be a prosecutable offense under the new budget cuts. Guess we know their priorities. Fist in your mate’s face, no foul. Swipe a DVD – oh, man, you’re in trouble now.
Meanwhile, Kansas Republican Governor Sam Brownback is working on another tax cut for that state's rich.
In more political news…
The GOP has no clue as to how to react to the growing “Occupy Wall Street” movement…
And you’ve got to feel sorry for Mitt Romney…
...when he’s passed in the GOP "Holy-crap-there's-a-black-guy-in-the-White-House" primary polls by another black guy, this one known best as the “Godfather of Pizza.”
In California, we now have open voting primaries, so I’ll be voting for Cain and hoping he gets the Republican nomination just to see the Tea Party’s heads explode.
Someone else running for office…
This Elizabeth Warren impersonator represents why I’ll be sending the real Elizabeth Warren some of my limited cash intake.
To see and support the real Elizabeth Warren, visit ElizabethWarren.com.
Okay. How did I do?