Oh, come on. Don’t try to tell me that you haven’t fantasized about hanging out with a celebrity. It’s worth it for the discarded swag alone. I mean really, how many free bejeweled iPhones does one person actually need?
At first I went the high-brow route with Hillary Clinton or Rachel Maddow, two gals I admire the hell out of, but let’s face it, while they might find me amusing for an hour or so, after that I would bore the crap out of them. I require someone with much lower expectations.
Besides, my special someone needs to share my love of gossip, shopping, good food, good wine and, above all, laughter. Oh, sure. Loyalty and honesty are important too, but that’s why I have a dog. It’s laughter that seals the deal. So while George Clooney and Ryan Gosling are super hot, my celebrity crush is super cool.
I mean, seriously. Look how adorable he is. I just want to pinch those cheeks, which I know would totally mortify him – because bffs know these things about each other – so I would never ever do that.
Right off the bat, I was struck by how much we have in common.
I would totally watch Clay Aiken sleep on a plane for six hours or steal a hair from Angelina’s head. I would! I might not actually pluck it from her scalp because it’s my understanding that Sky Marshals have no sense of humor, but you can bet I’d comb every inch of her seatback as soon as she got up – and then I’d sell it on Ebay – something I’d like to think Ross would do, too, but probably under an assumed name.
Ross and I would make great bffs. He likes to cook, while I’m happy to wash dishes. He has a cute little dog named Louise. I have a cute little dog named Dixie. He has a place with a pool in Palm Springs. I would like to have a friend who has a place with a pool in Palm Springs. Oh, what a match we would make.
But the very best thing about Ross is I’d want to be his bff even if he wasn’t a celebrity. He strikes me as a warm, caring person who, as a bonus, just happens to be hysterical. There doesn’t seem to be a mean bone in his body and every time I watch him on TV, he makes me feel good. Plus he loves “Nurse Jackie,” and I’m pretty sure he’s a Democrat.
Seriously, how can you not love this guy?
So, Ross, if you’re reading this, give me a chance. Sure, I’m an old straight broad, but clearly we both have a strong belief that maturity is vastly overrated.