It will be due to bad grammar. We will have finally dissolved into a giant puddle of imbeciles, unable to even keep from soiling ourselves, who will be scorned and isolated by the rest of the world. It’s coming. Trust me.
I’m not talking about the often misplaced comma or mind-boggling semi-colon. I mean, really. A semi-colon. What anal-retentive thought that up? I’m talking about the language we use every day when we talk to each other. Remember talking? It was popular before the invention of the Internet.
Maybe, as a writer, I’m more sensitive to the use of language. I realize that sounds elitist as hell, but really, there are some verbal turds out there that should offend anyone with an education above the third grade and not living in Mississippi.
For example, the past tense for drag is dragged not drug, as in “Look what the cat dragged in.” Dragged is a verb. Drug is a noun. Well, now I take that back. Drug can be a verb, but only when referring to the administering of drugs as in, “Did you drug your date?” But mostly it’s a noun. Which brings us back to the proverbial cat, and while we often attribute to cats strange and wondrous powers, in truth they are incapable of drugging anything. Yet turn on any talk show or newscast and you will see people who should know better misusing the word “drug” all the time and, because of the power of television, it then spreads like an epidemic of head lice.
Or take the simple concept of singular and plural: “Is” and “are.” I can’t hear the sentence, “There’s photos of Anthony Weiner’s dick on the Internet” without weeping, and not because we’ve all been subjected to pictures of his pathetic private parts. “There are photos” or the contraction, “There’re.” What’s so damn hard about that? No pun intended.
And don’t even get me started on, “I should have went to the store.” It’s “I should have gone to the store.” Were you raised in a barn?
I feel much better now knowing I’ve done my part to protect this nation from, if not outright destruction, certainly worldwide ridicule. If I could only rid the country of Rush Limbaugh.
I was compensated by Grammarly for this post because yes, I can be bought. Any lingering grammatical errors were entirely intentional and fall under the category of artistic license. Yeah. Me and Hemmingway. That’s right, baby.