In a move sure to make him a contender for “Father of the Year,” John Edwards admits that the daughter he’d sworn up and down for over two years was not his is, in fact, the spawn of his wandering sperm.
With his perfectly coifed $400 hair and oozing southern boy contrition, he said: "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me.” When she understands what? That her father is a liar, a coward, and let’s see… what else… a dickwad?!
If little Quinn is as smart as her mother, she’ll recognize leverage when she sees it.
The Democrats, proving once again that their incompetency knows no bounds, managed to lose their long-held Senate seat in Massachusetts to a Republican who, until about a month ago, was best known for his “stimulus package.” Voted Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Sexiest Man in June of 1982, winner Scott Brown put an end to the Democrats super majority in the Senate – something they’ve managed to squander over and over again anyway. Now the Dems only have an 18-vote majority which, to quote the always astute Jon Stewart, “was more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whatever the fuck he wanted to do.”
Certain to solidify this nation’s status as the United States of Corporate America, the right-leaning Supreme Court this week struck down a law limiting the amount of campaign contributions corporations are allowed to make. Citing the First Amendment, they bestowed upon corporations the same free speech rights formerly recognized as only belonging to individuals, ruling that corporate money equals free speech and essentially telling the Founding Fathers to suck it.
In today’s “You Can’t Make This Shit Up” file…
International hotel chain Holiday Inn is offering a trial human bed-warming service at three hotels in
this month. If requested, a willing staff-member will dress in an all-in-one fleece sleeper suit before slipping between the sheets. The bed-warmer is equipped with a thermometer to measure the bed's required temperature of 68º Fahrenheit. Britain
Holiday Inn said the warmer would be fully dressed and leave the bed before the guest occupied it. They could not confirm if the warmer would shower first, but said hair would be covered.
This week’s WTF Award goes to a German TV program for demonstrating that those intrusive body scan security devices proposed for airports may be able to make out such intimate details as breast implants, but can fail to detect bomb-making components.
Wonderful… I can’t tell you how relieved I am to know that the cutie across the aisle won’t be detonating her double-D’s.
Finally, our “Golden Balls” of the week award goes to Conan O’Brien for signing off his last Tonight Show with the type of class and dignity that NBC president, Jeffrey Zuckerman, only wishes he had.
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