Sunday, November 8, 2009

injaynesworld I'm really "A Kidnapped Heiress..."


I know I’ve been kind of MIA lately.  I’ve been working.  You know, that thing you have to do for money that interrupts your life.  Not that I’m ungrateful.  I know what the unemployment figures are.  I know there are whole families living in boxes under freeway overpasses.  I know I’m damn lucky to have a gig.  Especially one that allows me to work at home, where personal hygiene is not an issue. 

Interspersed with writing assignments, I summarize depositions.  Any lawyers out there?   I’m your gal.

It is the life of a freelancer  though.  So when there’s work, I’ve got to grab it, because there are a lot of weeks when I’ve got nothing, nada, zip.  Which brings me to the highly effective poverty and stress diet: 

7:30 a.m. - Giant cup of just plain coffee with ½ & ½.

10:30 – 11-ish:   Big bowl of granola with ½ banana or other fruit.

2:00-ish:   Two scrambled eggs.  They’re free.  We have chickens. 

7-8:00-ish:   Large glass of cheap red wine.   Steamed broccoli.   Grilled  protein of some kind (thank you George Foreman).   For dessert, three squares of a dark chocolate (72%) candy bar.

Cheap and nutritious.  The up side to this diet is that I’m back wearing clothes I haven’t fit into in four years and I’m nothing if not vain, so don’t feel sorry for me and start some kind of canned food drive.  I really don’t need anyone’s surplus Spaghetti-O’s. 

I’m pretty sedentary so I don’t burn a lot of calories and I’ve never been much of a foodie anyway.  While I love eating out -- ordering from a menu, being served, no dishes to do -- the whole daily maintenance thing of having to buy, prepare, consume and clean-up food I’ve always found to be a colossal pain in the ass.  I’ve often wished for just a pill that would turn into a meal in my stomach.  Presto.  No fuss.  No muss. 

Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Work.  I never really thought much about retiring, which is good, because it ain’t gonna happen.   There are so many people out there who did plan on retiring and feel all ripped off and angry now.  Low expectations are definitely the way to go. 

Like so many others, I do dream of winning the lottery.  I won $425 off a ticket this summer.  That was cool.   Call me shallow, but I’d like to experience extravagant wealth before I die.   I have a theory that I was actually born to an uber rich family and one day my nanny had me out in the park all snug in my pram.  She had one thing to do.  One lousy thing.  Watch me!   But no.   The irresponsible whore was also meeting her boyfriend and while he was grabbing her ass right there next to me in all my innocence, a woman who would ever more make me call her “Mother” snatched me away to a life of barely middle class.  Yes.  I honestly do believe that.  “Mother” would always say to me, “You’ve got champagne taste and a beer bottle pocketbook.”  Well, yeah, bitch!

My other possible ticket out of doodyville would be to marry a rich guy.  Of course, at 60, that boat’s kinda sailed.  But here are my requirements if any of you know anyone you could fix me up with who fits the bill:  Fabulously wealthy, extraordinarily generous, impotent, a heart condition, and no heirs.   I’ve checked E-Harmony.  He’s not there.  Not on Match.com either.   SugarDaddy.com looked promising, if I could only pass for 18.  

Oh, come on.   Don’t judge me.    If he’s really nice, I’ll forego the heart condition.

I wonder if it’s too late to put my face on a milk carton. 

If you leave a comment, Tinkerbelle will live.
 

27 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am laughing!! If you find him, see if he has a brother, my hubby is disposable.

tattytiara said...

You're about the least 60 year old looking 60 year old I've ever seen, hon - dig for that gold! They might be shallow, but a lot of those trophy wife hunters are at least smart enough to want the full meal deal - a hottie who can actually hold a mature conversation with their colleagues at important functions. After all, half the fun of buying someone is showing her off!

LucyCooper said...

You may or may not be an heiress, butcha got farm fresh eggs, and that makes me jealous. I'd be out there with my hand under that chicken's booty.

kimber p said...

yeah, that nanny of yours must have gotten around, because I swear that's what happened to me too....

I did get to go on an Ohio Lottery show one time and won $5000 for the lady I was standing in for (she was camera shy) and she gave me $1000 in gratitude for my effort. I went out to my car to take the money to my bank and to my utter despair and horror, my car had been broken into overnight, my stereo gone and the vinyl top to my Tracker had been slashed.

I sat on the sidewalk and sobbed...I heard every single dollar bill I was holding scream an excrutiating death as I dialed the number to the auto shop to order another vinyl cover. ack.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I WANT CHICKENS.
i need eggs to be skinny.

Linda Medrano said...

Forget the old rich guys and the lottery. Think Crime, Jayne!
Fall outa' bed funny! I love it!

Mrsblogalot said...

you are cracking me up. SugarDaddy.com!

I revise my lottery winning spreadsheet daily. But since this seems a little unrealistic, I find myself depending way too much on the heavy fried food diet (he loves it!).

I need a new plan. You know, all my eggs in one basket thing...

laughykate said...

Put your face on a milk carton an underneath it write, 'Are you my mother?'

Go oooooooooooooooonnnnnn!

Jayne Martin said...

Thanks for all the great comments. Linda, if I thought I could get away with a life of crime, I'd go for it but at early age nuns impressed upon me that I'd never get away with shit.

Pearl said...

Great post, Jayne.

And dammit, now I've got three squares of DARK chocolate in my head...

Pearl

CatLadyLarew said...

I like your requirements for a spouse! If I could find one of those guys, I'd be set for life!

Fly, Tinkerbelle, Fly! (And bring back news of doddering old rich guys!)

My name is PJ. said...

It's never too late!!

And hey, you never mentioned becoming a cougar! You must remain open to all eventualities!

Adam said...

Hey, Tinkerbelle, please don't die!!!

Have you watched Mamma Mia, the musical? There's an Abba song that's just about your dream! And Meryl Strip is just great singing it!

Adam (mrelife.blogspot.com)

Kristi Stevens said...

I was convinced as a child that I was adopted as well. I didn't understand we were poor. My motivation was that I refused to believe that this crazy woman was actually my mom. Come to think of it... I may still believe that.

K

My name is PJ. said...

OMG, I had to come back and leave another comment because I just read what you wrote on my blog post today and I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

You would be dynamite at a dinner party filled with tight ass Republicans. I'd pay to watch it!

Jayne Martin said...

Yes, Pearl. That's three squares, not two, not four, three.

CatLady: It could happen... I believe in Tinkerbelle, too.

PJ: The young ones haven't accumulated enough wealth and have too long of a lifespan.

Adam: Loved Mamma Mia. And it's Meryl "Streep", although "Strip" was an interesting choice.

Kristi: Do I need to "pay her a visit"?

PJ: I think "tight-ass" and "Republican" might be redundant.

Kim Ayres said...

I always said I was born to be one of the idle rich, but my parents let me down.

Neither the therapist nor welfare were particularly sympathetic

gayle said...

Oh to be Rich the things I would do!!

Nezzy said...

I hear ya! This farm chick is waitin' for her ship to come in but I married a farmer. Mama told me,"I sent your to college to marry a doctor or a lawyer and what do you bring home.....another farmer."

Here's wishing you many blessings and a winning LOTTO ticket!!! :o)

{share?}

Jayne Martin said...

Nezzy: I live in a rural area and look out onto a field of strawberries and vegetables. I watch how hard that farmer works and if life were fair, farmers would all be billionaires. Thanks for stopping by.

Stephanie said...

I fantasize I'm independently wealthy... Could be too if I married rich!

Laura said...

I'm impressed that you wait until 7-ish for that first glass of wine.

When Pigs Fly said...

Great post! I think almost everyone hopes to win the lottery even if you are financially sound. The thought of never having to worry about money at all would be a nice feeling.
Keep buying the lottery tickets.

Tawnia said...

You have chickens. I have kids... see we have sooooo much in common:) Now if I could just get my kids to produce dairy products:) Missed you
Tawnia

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. I'm STILL waiting to find out that I'm actually a heiress.

Stefanie said...

Sadly I am fairly certain no one would have given my mother a child to adopt. Though there is an off chance that I was placed in a drug filled moses basket on the doorstep of a bar and she grabbed it and ran. Probably not likely, but one can dream. I will keep my eyes out for a millionare on his death bed. Keep you posted.

Flat Broke Diva said...

I sometimes wonder if I was switched at birth, and I have a wealthy family searching the world for me!

I hear you on the food part. Kroger (if you have one nearby) makes a great generic Special K that's fairly high in protein, and it's about $2 a box. I have sometimes eaten it for all three (if that) meals a day!

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