Citing a price dispute, Costco announced that they would no longer be carrying Coke... But fear not, Costco will continue to carry an abundant supply of crack, heroin and weed.
Kellogg Co. says there will be a nationwide shortage of its popular Eggo frozen waffles until next summer because of interruptions in production at two of the four plants where they're made, sending Glenn Beck into an meltdown of rage and tears, "Is there no end to Obama's evil?"
Martha Stewart slapped down Racheal Ray this week, saying the ever-bubbly Ray "could not hold a candle to her in the kitchen." Ray very smartly responded, "She's right. I'd rather eat Martha's food..." because you don't mess with a bitch who can make a lethal weapon out of a tampon.
Big news of the week was Oprah's announcement of her 18-month good-bye tour, creating a major run on Prozac. "Say it isn't so!" her fans cried. Good news. It actually isn't. Oprah, that smartest of all smart cookies, when faced with declining ratings, consistent Emmy losses to Ellen, and an announcement from her syndicators that they would be cutting the money they now pay her, did what any media kazillionaire would do. She bought herself a network. That's right, the Oprah Winfrey Network or OWN, as in "I own freakin' everything," will be up and running right around the time her current contract is up. Take that, Ellen...
Saving the best for last, this week our "Golden Balls Award" goes to 10-year-old Will Phillips from that bastion of liberal thought (not) Washington County, Arkansas, for refusing to say the Pledge of Allegiance until there is marriage equality for all in this country. Clearly, not your average 10-year-old, Will skipped a grade this year, going directly from third to fifth. The video speaks for itself. Let me just say that with kids like Will around, I feel much more hopeful that one day we just might have "justice for all."
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2015 Nelligan Prize for Short Fiction Winner
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