Thursday, November 12, 2009

injayesworld there's a reason "I Don't Have Kids..."


Today I’m having a mommyblogger moment.  But, Jayne, you have no children because you were such a rotten kid yourself that you always feared you’d have kids who’d torment you as you tormented your own mother who you are still convinced died young just to get away from you may she rest in peace…(exhales)  

Yes, that’s true, but today I think I can relate… a little.  Yesterday, I bought my 2 ½ year old, Dixie, a dog chew.   Throughout the day, the six-month-old cat, Mason, has continued to take it away from her, sending her into my office whining with outrage on average of about every 10 minutes and causing me to have to get up, retrieve said dog chew and give it back to her until, finally, I just took the damn thing away and now both my “kids” hate me.  Sound familiar?

How do you women do it?   Day after day, demand after demand… No wonder so many of you have “vodka” in the title of your blogs.   And how retchedly pathetic am I that I can’t even handle the sibling rivalry between a Chihuahua and a kitten?   Can you even imagine me with a kid?   

I think much of my inadequacy in this area stems from the fact that I was an only child.   I never longed for a baby sister or brother.   All-about-me-all-the-time was just fine.   Share?   Compromise?   Are you kidding?   My friends had younger siblings and they ended up having to take care of them.   Me, I didn’t even play with dolls unless they had boobs and wore tiny, plastic high heels. 

I did have an older step-sister for a while.   I used to glue her perfumes to the top of her dresser with clear nail polish.   As I grew into a lovely teenager, I was unbelievably horrid to my then struggling, single mother.  If I could go back in time and smother me in my sleep, I would.   She used to say, “Someday I hope you have a child and I hope she’s just like you.”   That was more than enough to scare the crap out of me, especially after she died and I became convinced that if I did give birth, she’d come back as my kid and make good on her threat.   Oh, yeah.   That possibility had “Rosemary’s Baby” written all over it. 

So nope… No kids for Jayne.  

Now, as an adult, while I don’t regret my decision to not have children, I do wish I’d had some siblings.   Not the loser kind who can’t keep a job and are constantly mooching off you, but the loving, supportive kind that you can talk to about anything and who always have your back and you theirs.   Someone you share a history with who knows you better than anyone and loves you anyway.    Oh, and a Democrat.   That’s not even negotiable.  

I envision large family celebrations where everyone is sober and no one is fighting.   Okay, maybe there’s one annoying drunk, but no one really likes him/her and anyway, he/she is an in-law.  Their kids would all love me because I would be the one to spoil them rotten, keep all their secrets and take them to inappropriate movies.  I’d be the fun aunt that got to leave when they started fighting and screaming or throwing up after all the candy I’d given them.   I’d get all the perks and have none of the responsibilities.  Now that is a scenario I could live with.   

I’ve just given Mason some catnip, the equivalent of cat crack, so he’ll leave Dixie’s chew alone and I can finally have some peace.   Oh, yeah, mommies out there, I can definitely relate… and I can feel your heartfelt sympathy.  


In you leave a comment there will instantly be world peace.


26 comments:

keith said...

I beg to differ. The fact that your instinct was to bribe Mason with catnip means you would have made a perfect mother!!

Sarah said...

Jayne, you always make me smile! I'm with you though, I'm not a mom either but I have 2 dogs & 1 that "talks" back so I feel like I have kids. Plus, sometimes my hubby acts like a kid & that qualifies!!! You can be my aunt any day! I think we would have great fun!!!!

Maelstrom said...

That sounds awesome, I think I'll plan my next vacation there too!

kimber p said...

speaking of spoiled pets and the mommies who love them, as I'm reading your post, both of my weiner dogs are whining and growling over the same cruddy piece of rawhide that looks like a truck ran over it, when a perfectly barely chewed one sits over in the corner, not even bothered with.
if that isn't acting like two 5 yr olds, what is??

Mrsblogalot said...

Cat crack...rum....whisky...whatever works right?

Jayne, you would have been great with kids and just to prove it, I'll lend you mine!

Good mothers are always lending out their kids...aren't they?

Kristi Stevens said...

Jayne,

Have I taught you nothing? No one has the family you envision. Oh sure there is a drunk, or more acurately a group of drunks, but every family is broken is their own unique way.

Now, here is something you do know. The family you CHOOSE? Now that is where the treasure lies. Your girl friends are your sisters and you probably have one or two that serve as a mother or a daughter or a niece. I count myself in that group and feel lucky to do so.

When I was 16, my little sister took my underwear and bras and decorated the shrubs in front of our house. Good times. And I totally deserved it. I once chased her with scissors. Audrey, if you're reading, do you remember that?

Now, about this dog/cat thing... Can I suggest Siblings Without Rivalry? It is a remarkable book and will point out to you just how normal your "children" are.

Love,
K

gayle said...

Animals ~ Kids ~ sometimes there's not much difference

Best Wishes, Marie said...

it is a soap opera. ever since i got garfield, i have had a parade of neighborhood cats over here. first they were just looking at him and now hissing at each other. i step outside in the morning and they are sitting in a row, look like they are ready for a rumble. "where is the new guy. we want to talk to the new guy."

Chameleon Chamber Group said...

Yes Kristi, I remember all of that. I also remember, vividly for some reason, when you turned me onto Dr. Hook and Meatloaf. I still remember every melody and every word to those songs.
-Audrey
p.s. Hi Jayne. Hope to meet you sometime!

Kristi Stevens said...

-A,

You remember the good stuff. I still listen to both of those CDs. I need to put that music on the blog.

We'll need to go to California together to see Jayne since she doesn't travel.

K

Jayne Martin said...

Keith, thanks. I never thought of that.

Thank you for the array of very interesting responses everyone. While the offer of borrowing other people's children is intriguing, I'm thinking I might just place cardboard cut-outs of kids around the house

Kristi, I still suffer from "Donna Reed" syndrome. And yes, come visit.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I was just having this conversation the other day with someone. We both wished we had siblings we could talk to, relate to, hang with, socialize with, etc. The funny thing is that we BOTH DO have siblings.

So, I can't even relate to those who have siblings that they get along with and talk to all the time. And merely having a sibling doesn't guarantee the idealized adult relationship. {SIGH}.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

You don't want a big family. You want a big family in a movie. LOL

10 points if you can name the movie I just quoted........well twisted the quote a little.

laughykate said...

I don't have children, but I have to say I love love love my nephew and nieces. And I love the fact they think I'm just as likely as them to get in trouble with the 'grown ups'.

MilesPerHour said...

Now going on 50 y/o and having been exposed to a great pseudo-daughter for 3 years through my GF, I know the feelings you describe. Great post.

My name is PJ. said...

Kristi is right about friends who are the family you choose. You have them. You're too funny not to.

But, I have one of those large families who puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional, loves each other, has each other's backs and chooses to hang out together. We have zero holiday trauma. YET - when we were growing up, we did far more interesting, torturous things to each other than Kristi mentioned. We just wouldn't let anyone else torture one of us.

The Peach Tart said...

I'm glad my daughter is grown.

Liz said...

Last week Mabel had terrible 'stomach' problems while we rounded the lake below our house. People stared, Mabel squatted, and in the end, I had to give her a bath when we got home. And clean my floors. How women with actual human children do it I'll never know.

CatLadyLarew said...

My older sister is childless for the same reason... out of spite for our mother telling her, "I hope you have a child just like you someday so you'll know just how awful you are."

So are you telling Mason and Dixie the same thing right now? Good luck with your canine and feline kids!

LucyCooper said...

I love this! You are so frank and funny. And if you want to treat your inner child- get yourself a SkippyJon Jones book- he's a Siamese kitten who thinks he's a Chihuahua. Hysterical.

Stephanie said...

Loved the post.

My 105 lb pup is like any two year old boy - can't pass a mud puddle without wading.

Ann's Rants said...

Look at all your comments!

You did something so hard to do in this post so well. You took pretty heavy, potentially sad material and shook it up and made it funny-sad-funny.

That's my favorite combination.

xo

Stefanie said...

First: I would love to invite you to our annual family gathering this Christmas. A couple of things aren't perfect, like everyone is drunk, they are all fighting and sadly they know you too well and don't mind telling everything they know during dinner. There was something that you said that I was thinking we could comply with. What was it? Oh, I remember. While most of my redneck family probably doesn't even bother to vote, I am sure one of them is a Democrat.

Second: I have only just found your blog and I can't wait until your next post. You are a brilliant writer.

Third: Kristi if you and Audrey make it out to California I had BETTER get invited to the party.

Jayne Martin said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and for stopping. Soon I will impose on Kristi to get Disques up and running here so I can respond to each of you individually. I'll keep showing up if you will. Hugs, Jayne

Chameleon Chamber Group said...

Jayne's World party in California. All aboard!

Linda Medrano said...

Right now I have the best of all worlds. Kids grown, kids of their own, that prize: Grandchildren! Six of 'em. Okay, that said they are all above the age of 5 now. It wasn't so long ago, when I would hear the doorbell and tell my husband, "Hide! It's whatsername and the no-necks!"

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