injayesworld there's a reason "I Don't Have Kids..."

Today I’m having a mommyblogger moment.  But, Jayne, you have no children because you were such a rotten kid yourself that you always feared you’d have kids who’d torment you as you tormented your own mother who you are still convinced died young just to get away from you may she rest in peace…(exhales)  

Yes, that’s true, but today I think I can relate… a little.  Yesterday, I bought my 2 ½ year old, Dixie, a dog chew.   Throughout the day, the six-month-old cat, Mason, has continued to take it away from her, sending her into my office whining with outrage on average of about every 10 minutes and causing me to have to get up, retrieve said dog chew and give it back to her until, finally, I just took the damn thing away and now both my “kids” hate me.  Sound familiar?

How do you women do it?   Day after day, demand after demand… No wonder so many of you have “vodka” in the title of your blogs.   And how retchedly pathetic am I that I can’t even handle the sibling rivalry between a Chihuahua and a kitten?   Can you even imagine me with a kid?   

I think much of my inadequacy in this area stems from the fact that I was an only child.   I never longed for a baby sister or brother.   All-about-me-all-the-time was just fine.   Share?   Compromise?   Are you kidding?   My friends had younger siblings and they ended up having to take care of them.   Me, I didn’t even play with dolls unless they had boobs and wore tiny, plastic high heels. 

I did have an older step-sister for a while.   I used to glue her perfumes to the top of her dresser with clear nail polish.   As I grew into a lovely teenager, I was unbelievably horrid to my then struggling, single mother.  If I could go back in time and smother me in my sleep, I would.   She used to say, “Someday I hope you have a child and I hope she’s just like you.”   That was more than enough to scare the crap out of me, especially after she died and I became convinced that if I did give birth, she’d come back as my kid and make good on her threat.   Oh, yeah.   That possibility had “Rosemary’s Baby” written all over it. 

So nope… No kids for Jayne.  

Now, as an adult, while I don’t regret my decision to not have children, I do wish I’d had some siblings.   Not the loser kind who can’t keep a job and are constantly mooching off you, but the loving, supportive kind that you can talk to about anything and who always have your back and you theirs.   Someone you share a history with who knows you better than anyone and loves you anyway.    Oh, and a Democrat.   That’s not even negotiable.  

I envision large family celebrations where everyone is sober and no one is fighting.   Okay, maybe there’s one annoying drunk, but no one really likes him/her and anyway, he/she is an in-law.  Their kids would all love me because I would be the one to spoil them rotten, keep all their secrets and take them to inappropriate movies.  I’d be the fun aunt that got to leave when they started fighting and screaming or throwing up after all the candy I’d given them.   I’d get all the perks and have none of the responsibilities.  Now that is a scenario I could live with.   

I’ve just given Mason some catnip, the equivalent of cat crack, so he’ll leave Dixie’s chew alone and I can finally have some peace.   Oh, yeah, mommies out there, I can definitely relate… and I can feel your heartfelt sympathy.  


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