Thursday, October 22, 2009

injaynesworld there are some “Apps We’d Really Like To See”


Yeah, I've seen the commercials, too  “There’s an app for everything,” my ass.   Oh, sure.  Maybe if you want to hear fart sounds or translate fuck you into Mandarin Chinese.  But what about the things we really need done? 

I need an app that will make me a Margarita.

Exercise for me so I can sit here sipping the Margarita it just made while it revs up my heart rate and makes me sweat like a pig. (Do pigs actually sweat?  Wait.  There’s an app for that.)

Clean the toilet, and the cat's toilet, too. 

Run me a nice bath.

Now give me a manicure.

Go get that nasty little pap smear I’ve been putting off, and shove your tit in a vice, too, while you're at it.

Time for another Margarita.

And I’ll have a Cobb salad for lunch, please.

Print me some money, small bills will do.  I'm going shopping.  No, thank you.  I can do that myself, but I'll need you to park the car. 

Kill the rat-bastard gophers who are killing my lawn.  

Now re-seed the lawn.

Unclutter my desk… and my life.

Wash my car and go get gas -- 25 miles out on the highway at the cheap station.

Grocery shop.   Don’t forget the tequila.

Empty the garbage.  Recycle, and crush the boxes, please. 

A foot rub would be nice right about now.

Fix dinner.  The fat-absorber app will take care of that cake I'll be having for dessert. 

Oh, look.  Empty glass.  I believe I’ll have another Margarita, thank you.

Back rub before sleep?  Absolutely.  And hand me that Ambien.

So how about it, Apple?   Is that really too much to ask?  Oh, wait... There's an app for that, too. 



16 comments:

Linda Medrano said...

Oh, and walk the dogs! Do the ironing, fold the laundry (oh hell, just go ahead and do the laundry). I'm with you Jayne!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LMAO!! Seriously...I am sitting here laughing OUT loud and my daughter is telling me to shut up so she can do her homework!!

laughykate said...

Provide me with that tropical island holiday?

CatLadyLarew said...

Here I am, commenting via my iPhone. I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to find that ap to no avail. Rats!

Aunt Becky said...

I want the iWife app. I really do. I need a wife.

Tawnia said...

I want a slap all idiots app! Push button abuse for the retarded, rude, racist, and stupid! Hey I am just saying... it would be nice:)
Love Tawnia

brinkaid said...

I want a "Zap App". That's all. No greed. Just give me a device that I can use to zap idiots as I come across them. Oh, I would like to have a power setting, too, I guess. One setting just to let 'em know I see them; the other setting to stun them for their sheer stupidity. I'd also like the Zap App to take control of their vehicle (since that's the most likely place I'll run into idiots...well, wait...there IS Wal-mart) so that it removes them from the road and I can continue on my merry little journey, asshole free. No sir/ma'am, you don't want ME to see you gabbing or texting on your frickin' phone. You are NOT headed to perform brain surgery. Especially not in your 2000 Dodge Neon, with the missing taillight/hoodlatch/paint.

For the non-driver annoyances, I'd like the Zap App to give them a shot to the brain for "forgetting I need a quart of milk from the back of the store" while I wait behind you in line, your stupidity shining like a beacon in the night. Here, forget you are even supposed to be here. Leave your shit right where it is; I don't have to clean it up. Move along now......

I'd also like to use my Zap App for people who "just don't get it". See this look on my face? The one that's trying to convey to you "I don't frickin' care" about your sister's husbands'
neighbors' drug bust (even tho it was a set up!)

That's right. I'm cold. Tough. Zap 'em, step over 'em, and keep on going. Hey, it makes me smile.......

Jayne Martin said...

Thanks for all the fun comments everyone. Lee,making someone laugh is the highest compliment I can be paid short of being given cash.

Contemplations of an Army Wife said...

Ohmygod, I need a Jayne app. Because that was too f'ing good.

Best Wishes, Marie said...

"brush the cat" app would be nice.

Dana said...

I'm just happy the damn thing vibrates...

Jayne Martin said...

Sandra: Thanks so much!
Marie: How did I forget that?
Dana: It's a vibrator, too? Would that app have a little penis on it?

Smart Mouth Broad said...

If they have an app that makes margaritas, I just might switch to an iphone. Until then, I'm sticking to my crackberry.

Adam said...

Hey, can I have that exercise-for-u app??? I wouldn't even need the fat absorber then!!! Maybe I should already order a surrogate (chooseyoursurrogate.com)

Adam (mrelife.blogspot.com)

Kim Ayres said...

An app that sorts out all the other apps so I wouldn't need to worry about them would be the best one.

Kanani said...

Well said, Jayne!
I'd like one that drives me around town.



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