This week it’s hard to choose between the ongoing war of words between “Jon & Kate Plus Hate” and David Letterman’s little game of “hide the salami,” but since a good sex scandal trumps everything, our “Blue Dress Award” has to go to Dave.
This scandal has it all. Dave cheating on his then-fiancée and girlfriend of 23 years with a woman who was cheating on her live-in boyfriend who then discovers it by reading her diary and blackmails Dave for $2 million by threatening to expose him in, of all things, a screenplay, and then gets busted when he accepts a check. A check?!
Okay, let’s break this down. It’s come to light over the past few days that this isn’t Dave’s first problem with keeping his pants zipped. Apparently, Dave has a long history as a man-whore. A producer of a movie he did way back in 1979 revealed that he no sooner arrived on the set than he was banging the crew. She says she was amazed that he managed to get laid that quickly. I share her amazement. I mean, this is a guy who is often confused with Alfred E. Neuman from “Mad” magazine fame. And I have to confess, I still continue to be surprised by famous men who think they can get away with secretly parking their penises in any garage they want when the whole point of being the receptacle for said celebrity penis is to brag about it -- even if it’s just in your diary.
Second, what person over the age of 14 even writes a diary these days? And even if you were so inclined, why would anyone with an ounce of sense write about an affair they were having with anybody, much less a celebrity, especially if you’re living with your boyfriend at the time. “Dear Diary, boned Dave again today. Sure hope no one ever finds out.” I’d love to know where her extortionist boyfriend found it. In her “Hello Kitty” sock drawer? You’d think she would have learned something from Mark Sanford’s now famous e-mails to his paramour. It’s completely beyond me why people who cheat continue to document their indiscretions in writing. This is not called the “information age” for nothing.
Oh, and the boyfriend is a piece of work, too. This genius thinks it’s going to add credibility to his threat by writing a screenplay treatment about it. Screenplay writers have about the same credibility in
as George W. at a Menses Society gathering. Everyone is a “writer”. The guy who washes your car has a script to sell. Did he think some movie studio boss was going to say, “Hey, an exposé of Letterman. Let’s make this and get our asses sued?” Hollywood
And not even in the worst straight-to-DVD-movie ever are you going to see a blackmailer accepting a check. I mean, really. Seriously? Because attempting to deposit a $2 million dollar check from David Letterman at your local B of A branch isn’t going to attract any attention at all.
It’s really difficult to assess who is the most stupid in this scenario. Come to think of it, maybe it would make a good movie – a comedy. Any casting suggestions? I’m thinking Seth Hogan as the boyfriend.