Tuesday, October 20, 2009

injaynesworld we ask God, "What the hell were you thinking?"

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It seems lately like all the really cool people are gay.  Neil Patrick Harris, Rachel Maddow, Ellen, of course, Queen Latifa -- who rocks more than the Queen? -- Melissa Etheridge, even the Enterprise's own Mr. Sulu.  Okay, maybe he's not all that cool, but I could go on and on.  I bet you have your favorites, too.  There are just a whole lot of really cool gay people.   I want to be gay, too, but apparently it’s not something you can just sign up for like a frequent-shopper card. 

I do think it would be nice, and certainly reasonable, if God had simply created us all bi-sexual.   It would instantly double everyone’s dating pool and we wouldn’t have so many repressed, closeted Republicans Larry Craig.  Besides, given the option we all know that men prefer to hang with other men and women prefer to hang with their girlfriends, and I’d bet the big bucks that given the biological choice you’d see a lot more same-sex couples than opposite sex ones.  

Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where “gay marriage” weren’t an issue?    Where gay teens weren’t prone to higher rates of suicide?    Where the perpetrators of hate crimes had one less group to prey on?   I think God really screwed up on this.   I honestly do.  

Another thing I think God could have done better is the design of a woman’s body.   Why is it that the female of every other species can get pregnant only when she’s in heat, while the human female can get herself knocked up pretty much any time except when she’s in heat.   In fact, other species don’t even want to have sex unless the female is in heat.  Think about it.   If you knew exactly when you could get pregnant and you didn’t want a kid, you could simply not have sex then.   Abortion would cease to be an issue.  Teen pregnancy – a thing of the past.  

And while I’m second-guessing The Big Guy here, what’s up with Victoria Secret model-types being the standard of what’s considered beautiful?    When I’m God women who look like that will be considered freaks and ostracized from society.  In fact, when I’m God good things will only happen to good people and bad things will only happen to bad people, and Prozac will be a natural ingredient in the water supply the world over thus making people far less likely to murder and start wars.  

You know what?   This God stuff?  It’s not all that hard.  I think I’d be pretty good at it. If you were God, what would you change?  



20 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I would make money grow on trees and chocolate chip cookie bushes.

Best Wishes, Marie said...

jayne, it is not a "world." it is this country/ culture. we had some visiting professors here from finland for the 08/09 academic year and i learned it ain't like this everywhere.

CatLadyLarew said...

I'd definitely vote for you to be The Goddess, Jayne!

If I were the Goddess/God (going unisex here)I think I'd make your changes... they're pretty good ones.

There are many times I wished I had a sexual passion for women. (Lesbian envy instead of penis envy?) Doubling the dating gene pool, especially for those of us over *ahem* 50, would be wonderful. To be able to choose freely between men and women would be a real boon to finding a companion. Not that I need to have one, but it would be a pleasant change of pace and probably improve my overall well-being, according to research.

Plus, if the Goddess were in charge, maybe we could go back to having Rubenesque women be the standard for beauty.

Now, if only the men could share the child-birth process more fully... maybe like seahorses do!

(And I'd love to be able to pee standing up. Wait... maybe I do have penis envy!)

Best Wishes, Marie said...

if i were God/ in charge ..... i would not let people with mental illnesses who are serial killers, pedifiles, rapist, etc... freaks (judge judy says that some people are just wired wrong), i would not have those people among us.

is it nuture or nature ???

at a certain point, i do not fucking care. once their mind starts to function in a certain way, i would have the individual memeber of the human race designed to just drop dead in their tracks when thos thoughts and behavior start.

Jayne Martin said...

Lee: Money trees and cookie bushes... I like that.
CatLady: You do tickle my funny bone.
Marie: You tell 'em, girlfriend.

Jane Lively said...

This is a tough question. Sure, I'd love to end hunger, violence, disease, hatred. But do you think we need bad things to make the good things seem good? woa... i just blew my own mind.

Linda Medrano said...

Simple. Marijuana!

Kristi Stevens said...

Neil Patrick Harris and Queen Latifah are gay?

Age spots... I want these effing age spots off my face. Why kind of GOD designs a world with age spots?

K

Jayne Martin said...

Jane: Nah. That's just bullshit they tell us as children.
Linda: One of God's better creations.
Kristi: Clearly, a male God. A God-dess would never overlook such a thing.

Adam said...

Just loved your post, Jayne! I was thinking about it, though, and something just hit me. God must be a man!

If he was a woman, all that nonsense would have been a thing of the past.

Think about it. If a all-powerful being is watching us, the way we are now, what channel do you think we are on? What gender would really enjoy watching wars, violence, sports...

Oh, and he is definitely straight!

Adam (mrelife.blogspot.com)

PS: oh, I just read the other comments, I thought I was being original... sorry!

Jayne Martin said...

Adam: You are always original! And I totally agree with your assessment. A God-dess would've had all this shit handled.

marymac said...

I love your blog! I love gay people! I am not sure what these things have to do with one another- but I will definitely be back! Also want to thank you tons for stopping by Pajamas and Coffee! I am going to stop using exclamation marks now!!! Wait!! I can't stop!!!!!!!!!

xoxo
m

laughykate said...

Air travel would be free (and guranteed) and I would lose the traits envy and jealousy. Think the human race would be thoroughly nicer as a result.

The Peach Tart said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and following. I love your blog and will be back. Great post.

Lorraine said...

Queen Latifa is GAY!??? I had no idea! haw haw (A simple LOL is way too simple!) I just watched one of her wonderful movies.. the one where she thinks she's dying??
Oh anyway..I'm NOT gay by the way.. but I like to think we are all equal in God's eyes.. (Mother/Father God) After all even GOD uses the word WE when talking about himself.. There MUST be a mother God,, even the Canaanites believed in one.. that they were really ONE actually. Sounds kinds bisexual huh?
If I were God what would I change? Some system whereby there are no poor people.. (I'm half way there myself with the recession!) WE need the whole world fed, clothed and in peace!
By the way I'm Spiritual- not religious!

Adam said...

Thanks, Jayne, you are always the sweetest!

Best Wishes, Marie said...

after waking up to catch up on the news and see that the little girl names "sommer" was found dead in a landfill ..... my above entry .... ditto .... tenfold. only to add, i am for God helping out. i am also for vigilante justice. not torture, swift death.

brinkaid said...

When did Queen Latifah bust out of the closet? Am I missing a People magazine?? NPH was a given.

What God should do..........well, to those who are so anti-whatever, God should let them spend some time in the shoes/lifestyle of those they oppose. Not just a day, either. Nobody is gay for a day or black for a day......make it substantial. Make it count.

I once had a boss who had complete rectal-cranial inversion. Opposed everything that wasn't white and solidly male. EVERYTHING. You know: woman in the house, barefoot & pregnant, men ONLY out working in the world, anti-abortion, complete homophobe...so.......I asked him one day the following question. Never got an answer, but he did shut up. "So, X, if your wife became pregnant and there was a test that determined your child was gay, what would you do?"

kimber p said...

I do believe I've just fallen in love....lol I love this post and your way of thinkin makes my heart flutter :)

but here's the downside of making everyone gay or bi..somehow I do believe, we'd STILL find a reason to hate each other.

Your Rubenesque fan, Kim :)

Jayne Martin said...

kimber p: Thank you so much and welcome. Yes, I'm afraid you're right about still finding a reason to hate. Yet another thing I will change when I'm God.

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