… and other tales of woe.
I thought I had pretty good street cred in the
spider world.
Stuck in my house due to your own poor sense of
direction? I will cover you with a
plastic ice cream container kept handy especially for this use, gently slide a
piece of cardboard underneath your delicate legs, and release you into your
natural habitat. I’ve been saving the
lives of spiders since I became a country girl in 1994, certainly long enough
to have gained some redemption for the many that drown in a puddle of Raid at
my hand during my city years.
One.
Would. Think.
On Thursday, I developed flu-like symptoms: Chills, fever, aches and pains. But it wasn’t the flu. And it wasn’t a cold. I was left to toss back Advil and hot tea,
and wonder WTF? On Saturday, still
feeling like crap, I discovered what appeared to be a bullet hole in my
ass. Right upper cheek. But it wasn’t a bullet hole. Some stealth s.o.b. arachnid, likely when I
was asleep, chomped down and then injected me with enough venom to make me his
fucking bride. So far I have not
developed an appetite for flies or sprouted additional limbs, but I have brewed
up some venom of my own toward the species that, heretofore, had been on the
receiving end of my benevolence. Today I
saw a spider cross the kitchen floor in front of me. I stepped on him and then left his squashed carcass
for his friends to find. Let the word go
forth! You enter my home at your peril.
***
Here’s something to smile about. George "Murderous Psychopath"
Zimmerman got shot this week when he waved a gun a another driver during a road rage incident. Nice to see him on the receiving end of a bullet for a change. Unfortunately, it wasn’t fatal so he'll likely be set loose once again. Where's ISIS when you really need them?
***
By now you all know that Tom “Overinflated Ego”
Brady was outted as one of the prime instigators of “Deflategate.” Apparently, Brady doesn’t have the balls to
play fair. What an asshole. For a punishment he gets suspended for four
games next season and the team gets fined a million bucks. Big deal.
So he’ll sit it out on his yacht with the missus. How about stripping the entire team of their
Super Bowl championship and the paychecks that came with it? On the other hand, this is the NFL. What more should we expect?
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be
football players.
***
Obama gave the okay to Shell Oil to start drilling
in the Arctic Circle. Yep. The same folks responsible for these headlines:
Shell Oil Spills Nearly Doubled In 2011
There’s truly no hope,
people.
***
And just when I thought things were looking up
with the discovery of the Netflix comedy “Grace and Frankie...”
I learn that
Paula “Could She Be More Vapid” Abdul is replacing Mary “Hot Tamale Train”
Murphy on “So You Think You Can Dance,” one of my favorite shows.
I hope a spider bites her on the ass.
***
