Sunday, February 27, 2011

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

Breast Milk Ice Cream – yum or dumb…?

Ice cream made from human breast milk is a big hit at a shop in London.   Served in a martini glass under the name “Baby Gaga,” the frozen treat is made by mixing the mother’s milk with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest and then churning it into ice cream.  And at $23 per serving, it sold out in one day.

The owner of the company says the product is “organic, free-range, and totally natural,” and really – who wouldn’t prefer their ice cream to come from free-range women as opposed to those kept in cages.  

Fifteen lactating ladies were paid to hook up to the pump and one had this to say:  “For me it's a recession beater.   What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?" 

I have to say I hope this catches on here in the States big time.  The way Republicans are cutting social programs for needy families, we could see breast pumps popping up at grocery checkout counters right next to the debit card machine. 


This week President Obama also announced that DOMA, the “Defense of Marriage Act” which bans federal recognition of same-sex marriages, is unconstitutional and that his justice department will no longer be defending it in court. 

Before anyone gets too excited, however, the administration will continue to enforce the onerous law until Congress votes to repeal (when donkeys fly) or the Supremes render a definitive verdict on its constitutionality.  

But this didn’t stop Fox pundit Monica Crowley from running her mouth with all kinds of righteous outrage, accusing the Prez of being a dictator and referring to him as “Mubarek” Obama.

Dip.  Shit. 


Guns for everyone!

Texas is voting to allow guns to be carried on its college campuses because “…the best defense against a gunman is students who can shoot back.” 

Oh, yeah.  That's well thought out.  

This kind of gives the term “attack on education” a whole new meaning. 


Birds of a feather...

For those of you rooting for the lovely Ms. Portman to take home the Oscar tonight for her performance in “The Black Swan,” here’s a shot of her as a youngster showing her affinity for the feathered among us even back then. 

Whose your favorite to take home the statue?


Finally, from the “Naked Gun…”

I loved that Leslie Nielsen could make us laugh with something as silly as “bingo.”  What a guy.  

It's good to share...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

injaynesworld we "Bemoan Our Blemishes..."

Because apparently, it’s not bad enough that the gray is starting to creep in, the hearing is going, I can’t see worth crap, my bladder has a mind of its own. and I have brittle bones.  Now I’ve gotta have zits, too?   Really, God?

Yes, folks, geriatric acne has befallen me.

I knew I’d be punished for flaunting my California sun and size 4 ass over at Cardio Girl’s today, but I didn’t know it would be so immediate.   Instant karma’s a bitch.

They – oh, yes, “they” – couldn’t pop out on my forehead where they could be concealed by well-placed bangs.  No.  “Thelma” and “Louise” had to make their debut front and center on the end of my chin.   It’s a shame those depilatories worked so well.  I could have hidden them in my beard.  

It’s been years since I bought a tube of Clearasil.   Do they even still make it?   

Katy Perry is touting a product called “Proactiv” and had I been proactive, I might not have this problem, but who the hell knew.   

I really thought I’d seen the last of zits when I chucked that final box of tampons oh-those-many-years ago.   There are certain perks that come with age and no longer being called “crater face” is supposed to be one of them.  

With so many of my peers suffering real health problems, I know I shouldn’t bitch.  Knock on wood, I’ve been blessed with great health for which I’m truly grateful.   My hope is to just gradually wear out without a lot of fuss when my time comes.   I just hope that time doesn’t happen to come this week.  

“She died with two enormous zits on her chin,” is not how I’d like to be remembered. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

I’m a proud union member and I support the public workers in Wisconsin who are fighting to save their right to negotiate.

Let’s remember that the recession was caused by greed on Wall Street, not the pay scale of your kid’s elementary school teacher or that of the nurses on whose care you depend when too sick to care for yourself. 


Giving the term “TV royalty” a whole new meaning…

Invitations to the upcoming royal wedding are going out this week and while Ellen probably won’t be checking her mail box for one, she still might want to send a nice gift to the happy couple.

Ellen discovered that she and Kate Middleton are related – 15th cousins to be exact.   Check out Kate’s hat.    Coincidence?   I think not.

Any famous cousins in your genealogy?  


And the “Mommie Dearest” Award goes to…

Pissed off because her apparently unsupervised young boys trashed the enamel on the bathtub with their spinning metal Beyblade tops and caused $500 worth of damage, mom Dana Stillwagon decided to punish them by selling their much-loved implements of destruction on Ebay, even going so far as to post a photo of their tortured response.  

Check out those faces.

Her ad reads:

We are selling 8 Beyblades, 2 of them light up. As you can tell, the boys are not happy about this! They have been using their bathtub as a "battle arena" and Beyblades + Bathtub = Destruction… They had $125.67 in their piggy banks that will be going to toward the cost. We will use the profit from this auction towards the balance and then it is onto other toys!

Presumably, any money left over will go into a fund to pay for all the psychotherapy they’ll be needing as adults. 


Why do I find myself longing for Kate Gosselin?

No longer content with just starring in the train wreck that is “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” Camille Grammar, America’s current most famous ex-wife, is now popping up (or out as the case may be) all over the place.  

Just this week she had a guest part on the show, “$#*! My Dad Says” and now CNN has hired the idiot du jour with the stand-alone boobs to do red carpet duty for them on Oscar night.  

Why CNN?   WHY?!

If the ability to string a coherent sentence together wasn’t a requirement, you could have gotten Sarah Palin. 


GOP Protects Big Oil.  The rest of us are on our own...

House Republicans voted to slash all federal funding for Planned Parenthood, which provides reproductive health care, HIV testing and breast exams to low income women. They also cut $600 million in funds that go to pay for border patrol.   Okay, we know they’re determined to wrestle away women’s hard-fought battle for control over our own bodies, but aren’t these the same people always bitching about the need to tighten our borders? 

Also headed for the chopping block, The Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program which helps primarily the elderly and disabled to pay their heating bills.  In these harsh winters, it’s likely some people will die as a result, but you don’t hear outrage about how we’re “killing Granny” here.  Nope.  They seem perfectly happy playing poker with people’s lives on this one. 

Meanwhile, the GOP is vowing to fight the President’s proposal to cut the $4 billion in tax breaks we give to the oil industry every single year, and let’s not forget those tax cuts they gave to the highest earners among us which actually added $35 billion to the budget deficit. 

And no surprise here.   Not a single Republican mentioned eliminating their own taxpayer-supported health care as a way to cut the deficit. 


Soon to be gracing a TV screen near you...

“Joe the Plumber,” who is neither named Joe nor a plumber, is back with a new talk show, “Whaddaya Know Joe?” for the conservative Right TV Network.

Unlike some other debris left over by the McCain campaign, Joe is an unapologetic, even somewhat likable dufus who, to his credit, does not appear to aspire to any loftier position.  

No word as to whether McCain will guest on the show, but I think it has all the makings of a huge hit among the beef jerky crowd. 

If you liked today's Recap, give it a Stumble...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

injaynesworld "Lady Gaga's Bustier Was A Bust..."

Cool entrance Gaga – that whole embryonic egg thing.   I totally got it.   It worked for me.  And your performance.   Damn, you’ve got pipes, girlfriend and you can pound those keyboards, too.   And the song, “Born This Way” killed.  Absolutely, killed.  Love the message, love the performance, love you.

I’m a fan.

Now could we talk about this outfit for a moment?   Okay, it’s a step up from the meat dress.  At least you’re wearing the outside of the cow.  And yes, I know it was the Grammys and shock value is your thing, but seriously, girlfriend…

The look didn’t work when Madonna wore it either, although in her defense it was on a stage.  She didn’t wear it while sitting in an audience of music industry royalty waiting to hear if she was going to be honored with their highest award. 

Look, I know we’re never going to see you wearing a traditional pretty new dress on the red carpet or anywhere else, but you’re better than this, Gaga.   And really, I wouldn’t be critical if I didn’t truly care.

Notice I’m not saying a word about Nicki Minaj’s choice of fashion.   At least you had the courtesy to consider the poor bastard who had to sit behind you.   And truthfully, I know you don’t give a crap about what I think of your outfit.   I am, after all, old enough to be your grandmother and I’ve never contributed one dime to your income.

But think about the fathers of all the young girls out there who want to be just like you and come down the stairs wearing a get-up like this.   Do you really want to be responsible for all those coronaries? 

Please believe that I have only your best interests at heart when I say it’s okay to be talented and pretty.   I know you can do it.  Look how hot you looked at the 2009 MTV Awards.   

Now that’s the Gaga gal I’d like to see more often.    

Monday, February 14, 2011

injaynesworld we are "Single On Valentine's Day..."

This post has been recycled from last Valentine's Day, and you'll probably see it again next year, too...

Valentine’s Day… Ah, yes.  A day to celebrate love.  A day for lovers to snuggle in that candle-lit corner booth, gaze into each other’s eyes and proclaim their undying affections.  A day retailers everywhere go out of their way to make you feel special because you are a twosome. 

Yes, today is your day.  As for me and singles everywhere?    Not so much…  Here’s what we get:

Happy No Candy For You Day

Happy You Can Forget About Flowers Too Day

Happy Don’t Even Think About A Card -- It Ain’t Gonna Happen Day

Happy You Get To Order From The Regular Menu Day

Happy Mercy Call From Mom Day

Happy Yes That Is Pity In Their Eyes You See Day

Happy Double-Occupancy-Only Day

Now lest you think I’m complaining about being single, let me assure you otherwise.  I could have married if I’d wanted.  I had suitors.  I’m not exactly leper material.   And I have nothing against those who choose to pair up.   Mazel tov.   All I ask is that as a single I, too, get a day dedicated to recognizing, celebrating, and rewarding my awesomeness.  

According to the last census, there were 92 million of us single types here in the old U. S. of A.  

In the 1980s, the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio started “National Singles Week” to be celebrated each September 21st through the 27th.   So how come I didn’t get the memo?   Huh?  Ninety-two million of us and Hallmark can’t even come out with a damn card?   Obviously, this is a vast conspiracy to keep us down and I blame the Obama administration.  

So go ahead, couples.   Have your lousy, one-day, pitiful, over-commercialized love fest.  Come September, I’m going to be flaunting my single (size 4) ass with pride.  

Happy Thank You For Using Less Resources, You Get A Tax Break Week

Happy The Toilet Seat Stays In The Position Of Your Choosing Week

Happy Buy What You Want It’s Your Money Week

Happy Only Put Up With Your Own Family’s Bullshit Week

Happy Ice Cream For Dinner?  No Problem Week

Happy No Endlessly Stroking Someone Else’s Ego Week

Happy That Remote Has Your Name On It Week

Happy No Explanations To Anyone For Anything Week

Happy You Made It On Your Own Good For You Week

Oh, yeah… and I’ll be expecting gifts.

Meanwhile, I'll be celebrating my “singular sensation” with your comments…

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

injaynesworld we take “The Journey…”

Inspired by my dear friend, the awesome, Cat Lady Larew, this is my first attempt at a Magpie Tale.   Be gentle…

The path is old and worn.   Many have tread upon its uneven footing, seeking balance of both mind and body as they traversed its winding ways.  Temptation to veer off into the wonder of unexplored territory tugs at the stroller adventurous enough to do so.  Most, however, walk with purpose, barely glancing at their surroundings as they keep the end they are seeking fixed in their sight and worry about being late. 

Today the path is damp from the light rain that has fallen in the night.   The air is crisp and fresh with promise to some, while others bundle themselves against the elements and curse the chill, not realizing that without it one cannot appreciate the warmth.      

Single in direction though the path may appear, its route varies with each traveler, but ultimately its destination is the same.   How one weathers the journey is not a matter of chance, but of choice born of challenge.

Choose well.

                                             * * *

Be sure to stop by the Magpie Tales site and visit the other writers participating this week because a writer is a lonely thing to be.  ;)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

injaynesworld it's the "Sunday Recap..."

Tweet this, Mubarak…

Probably the biggest story of the week has been the part played by social networks  Twitter and Facebook to bring down the Egyptian government.  

Although, our marches in the 60’s were pretty impressive, had we had these technologies back then we may have ended the Vietnam War in a week.  


On the subject of technology, for the computer geek who has everything…

Those clever Japanese have done it again.   Plug this humping dog USB port into your laptop and “until it pulls out, it does not stop.”   Also available in Beagle and Dalmatian.

No Chihuahua?   Bummer. 


What’s the beef with Taco Bell?

Lawsuits filed this week claim that Taco Bell is shorting its customers in the amount of real beef it puts in its tacos, but nobody seems to be complaining about the taste.

I’m reminded of something a member of the Jefferson Airplane once said:  “I don’t care if my lettuce has DDT on it as long as it’s crisp.”

The tacos are 89 cents, for God’s sake.   Lower your fucking expectations. 


Love the fetus, hate the mother…

In their continued attempt to eliminate all access to legal, safe abortion for women in this country Republicans, fresh off getting their misogynist asses handed to them over their attempt to redefine rape as “forcible” as opposed to just your garden variety, have targeted women’s health once again.  

Led by Rep. Joe Pitts (R-PA), the ironically named “Protect Life Act” (HR 358)  would "allow hospitals to refuse to provide abortion care when necessary to save a woman’s life."  This changes the existing law which requires emergency room doctors to save every patient, regardless of status or ability to pay. 

In other words, if you’re poor and your status happens to be pregnant and in need of an abortion to save your life, lots of luck.  Not only would they not have to treat you, they don’t have to refer you elsewhere for help either.

Say it with me…  Joe Pitts, you’re a steaming pile of shit. 


Ever thought to yourself, “Why is this crap called ‘The Learning Channel?’”   Here’s your eagerly awaited new line-up of shows…

As always, thanks for spending a little bit of the Sabbath injaynesworld.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

injaynesworld it’s “Kim Kardashian’s Nipple Nightmare…"

Dear Kimmy...

I understand you're a wee bit hysterical over the reveal of your one-of-a-kind, premium grade-A nipple in a layout you did for W magazine.  Your tearful expression of violation and modesty is compelling, but may I just point out that once you've had your spread, well... spread all over the World Wide Web for everyone's horny viewing pleasure, that horse has pretty much left the barn.


Sweetie, if you don’t want us to think of you as just a gal who can’t keep her clothes on, then keep your damn clothes on.   Personally, I have never understood the fixation with women’s nipples, but we seem to have a love/hate relationship with them, don’t we?   I’ve seen the photos, Kim, and believe me honey, your nipple ain’t nothing special. 

If I were you, I’d be crying about being featured in the “art edition” of a magazine that would give you and PeeWee Herman top billing over Salvador Dali.  

So let’s just nip this nonsense in the bud, shall we.


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