Sunday, February 22, 2015

injaynesworld "Technology Marches On..."

While I march in place.

I recently received a letter from AT&T informing me that they will soon discontinue service on their 2G network:  This is one of a series of notifications which AT&T is providing to customers like you. 

Is it me or is there clearly a tone of hostility in those last two words? 

Yes, Jayne Martin.  You.  And others like you clinging to the past like gum on the sole of a Nike and gumming up the works for the rest of us.  Without your kind taking up valuable space on the spectrum your friends and neighbors – the ones paying us the big bucks – could download porn and upload dick pics at twice the speed, and you can be sure we’re going to let them know about it!

This isn’t the first time AT&T has threatened to cut me off.  In 2004, I received a similar letter telling me my two-pound analog Motorola was about to be relegated to the Smithsonian and kicking me into the unwanted future.  I must admit that my tiny 2G Nokia with the camera and the ability to download the theme to “Sex and the City” as my ringtone was an improvement, and it has served me well ever since.  It’s everything I need in a cell phone:  It makes calls and receives calls. On the rare instance when I receive an (unwanted) text, I have the ability to text back the sender asking them not to do that again. It’s relatively cheap to operate at $43/month, with unlimited rollover minutes, and I think I’ve accumulated about 4,000 such minutes at this point.  That’s how little I use the thing, and I’m perfectly happy with the whole arrangement.

The letter goes on to say that 2G service will be completely eliminated by January 1, 2017, but just when I rejoice at the prospect of remaining recalcitrant for another two years there’s this:  Don’t even think about it, asshole, because if we’re in the mood (and we can assure you we are) we may just pull the plug whenever we feel like it.

Or words to that effect.

Finally, an invitation to contact my AT&T account representative who will be a valuable resource in shaming you into a Smart phone you don’t want while signing you up for a bazillion- dollar data plan you can’t afford and will never use. 

While no one loves dragging their feet more than I do, even I know when I’m beat, but I’ll be damned if I’ll put one more penny into their sinister corporate coffer than I have to.  You want me to upgrade to 3G?  Fine.  And off I go to Ebay (the second happiest place on earth) to find another phone that's as close as I can get to the one I currently clutch. 

Fifty-bucks-with-free-shipping later, it’s mine:  In fashionably red, 3G, and best of all unlocked, so anymore crap from you, AT&T, and you can kiss my stubborn ass good-bye.

"Flip" you, AT&T

Saturday, February 7, 2015

injaynesworld "Et tu, Brian...?"

Dear Brian,

Just when I thought I was so old and hardened that my heart was bulletproof, I find myself once again shot down in flames.  As someone who spent her youth falling for narcissist cads – actors, rock stars – I thought I’d finally found my perfect guy in you:  Handsome, sexy, smart, funny, with unimpeachable integrity, yet still emotionally unavailable.  Motherlode!

Source: Nate Beeler, Columbus Daily Tribune

Why, Brian?   Sure, we all have brain farts, but you could have had a colonoscopy after this one.

You were the guy.  With your boyish charm and sincere crooked little smile, we even believed you when you said that watching your daughter’s anal sex scenes on “Girls” didn’t bother you.  Although, I have to admit I found that a bit creepy.  Now you’re just one more celebrity with “poor judgment” who has to do an apology tour, go to rehab and get counseling from the Reverend Al Sharpton.   

I may never recover from this, Brian, but don’t worry.  You will.  You can always go to work for Fox.  

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