While I march in place.
I recently received a letter from AT&T
informing me that they will soon discontinue service on their 2G network: This is one of a series of notifications
which AT&T is providing to customers like
you.
Is it me or is there clearly a tone of hostility in those last two words?
Yes, Jayne
Martin. You. And others like you clinging to the past like
gum on the sole of a Nike and gumming up the works for the rest of us. Without your kind taking up valuable space on
the spectrum your friends and neighbors – the ones paying us the big bucks –
could download porn and upload dick pics at twice the speed, and you can be
sure we’re going to let them know about it!
This isn’t the first time AT&T has threatened
to cut me off. In 2004, I received a
similar letter telling me my two-pound analog Motorola was about to be
relegated to the Smithsonian and kicking me into the unwanted future. I must admit that my tiny 2G Nokia with the
camera and the ability to download the theme to “Sex and the City” as my
ringtone was an improvement, and it has served me well ever since. It’s everything I need in a cell phone: It makes calls and receives calls. On the
rare instance when I receive an (unwanted) text, I have the ability to text
back the sender asking them not to do that again. It’s relatively cheap to
operate at $43/month, with unlimited rollover minutes, and I think I’ve
accumulated about 4,000 such minutes at this point. That’s how little I use the thing, and I’m
perfectly happy with the whole arrangement.
The letter goes on to say that 2G service will be
completely eliminated by January 1, 2017, but just when I rejoice at the
prospect of remaining recalcitrant for another two years there’s this: Don’t
even think about it, asshole, because if we’re in the mood (and we can assure
you we are) we may just pull the plug whenever we feel like it.
Or words to that effect.
Finally, an invitation to contact my AT&T
account representative who will be a valuable resource in shaming you into a Smart phone you don’t want while signing you up
for a bazillion- dollar data plan you can’t afford and will never use.
While no one loves dragging their feet more than I
do, even I know when I’m beat, but I’ll be damned if I’ll put one more penny into
their sinister corporate coffer than I have to.
You want me to upgrade to 3G?
Fine. And off I go to Ebay (the second
happiest place on earth) to find another phone that's as close as I can get to the
one I currently clutch.
Fifty-bucks-with-free-shipping later, it’s
mine: In fashionably red, 3G, and best
of all unlocked, so anymore crap from you, AT&T, and you can kiss my
stubborn ass good-bye.
 |
| "Flip" you, AT&T |
