Wednesday, August 5, 2009

injaynesworld we "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

You know it’s coming. You’ve just had (or faked) your orgasm. You’re lying there happy (or relieved it’s over) and he looks at you with that puppy dog face and asks, “Was it good for you?” “Yes,” you dutifully reply. “The best I’ve ever had.” He smiles, rolls over, and finally you can get some sleep. Except you can’t because what you really wanted to say was, “If you have to ask, you weren’t paying attention.” Or maybe: “You know, I wasn’t going to say anything, but now that you asked, I was faking it. Happy?” I mean, really… What’s up with the pop quiz?

In a recent e-Harmony article citing a list of seven things we think guys want us to say versus what they really want us to say, effusive praise for a job well done after sex was the single item where what we think they want and what they actually do want were totally in sync. And hey – if you can’t believe e-Harmony, who can you believe?

So what’s the driving force behind this need for instant reviews? Even on Broadway, you have to wait for the morning papers. Okay, sure, they want to be invited back. We know that, but beyond that, are they honestly so tuned out that they have to ask? Are they just being polite? Or are they still ego-driven six-year-olds craving that gold star next to their names? What gives?

We women never ask men that question. We know it was good for them because they’re just so damn grateful to be there in the first place.

There are many suitable things for a guy to say after sex. “I love you” is nice, though if said after only the first time that can be kind of creepy and signal a possible stalker. “Good night” always works. It’s simple, direct, and I’m usually tired by then, too. “I’m hungry,” “Gotta pee,” “Who’s on Letterman?” – all perfectly acceptable. But nowhere on that list appears a request for a performance evaluation.

Let’s be honest here. Most sex is pretty pedestrian. Oh sure, we’ve all had an encounter or two that was off the Richter scale, went on for hours, and sent us over the moon and back begging for more -- and that guy NEVER asked how it was for us. But by and large, we’re the ones expected to spice things up if we want to take it to another level. The French chambermaid outfits, the stilettos, the glow-in-the-dark, tutti-frutti flavored condoms, most of the time we even have to provide the porn. And then they want to know if it was good for us? No! I’m exhausted. Bring something to the party, damnit!

Now I know what some are going to say. Clearly, this woman has never experienced the heights of passion that comes from making love with your true soul mate and I’ll concede that point. Not that I haven’t been in love. I have, but I’m talking here about all the toads you have to kiss before you find that great love and they all seem to want to know if it was “good for me.”

That’s why I’m initiating a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy when it comes to sex. If you’re truly sincere in wanting to please me chances are good that you probably have. Intent counts for a lot. If you’re just being polite, try putting the toilet seat down instead. I’ll appreciate that more. If you’re so insecure that you need the reassurance of my flattery, however insincere, just know that flattery will be at the expense of my respect. If you’re really doubting your performance and still want to make a good impression, offer me a backrub. That can make up for a lot.

The truth is, guys, we don’t expect rockets to go off every single time. It’s fine. Really. Take the pressure off both of us and just relax. Resist asking “the question” and you just may get invited back for that alone.


People Who Know Me Would Say: said...

You covered all the bases here, Jayne! The huge male ego can be very vulnerable in the bedroom.

The fact that it is gender wide begs the question, from whence did it come? People say it's societal pressure, but so much of society is male....does that make all men bullies?

I'm still laughing...

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