Jefferson:
First
of all, we’d like to thank Jayne for letting us take over her blog today to
discuss the Second Amendment confusion currently so pervasive in the land.
Jayne: No
problem, guys. I couldn’t think of a
damn thing to write anyway.
Jefferson:
James, why don’t you start things off since you’re mainly responsible
for the whole mess.
Madison: I
beg your pardon!
Franklin:
Now, Thomas, we all had our chance for input at the time. Why
don’t you just read it, James.
Madison: Thank you, Benjamin. Ahem.. . “A well regulated militia, being necessary to
the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms,
shall not be infringed.” See. It says right there plain as the nose on your
face, “well regulated.”
Hamilton:
Might I say something?
Jefferson:
Have we ever been able to stop you?
Hamilton:
Suck it, old boy. Madison is
right. It was clearly our intent that
arms be regulated, and the gun legislation being debated in the present
Congress – a sorry lot of idiots as I’ve ever seen – is most certainly in
keeping with that intent.
Madison:
Exactly! But all you ever hear
these days is “Right to bear arms! Right
to bear arms!” Read the damn thing, people!
Paine: Controlling access to arms in a population of
300 million is just “Common Sense.”
Hamilton:
Really, Paine? A book plug?
Paine:
Available in paperback on Amazon for $2.70.
Franklin: Shall
we stick to the issue? Yes, the people have the right to own guns and
yes, the government has not only the right, but the responsibility to regulate
the kind of guns people can own and who can own them.
Madison: At
the time the Second Amendment was written, we were concerned about the proliferation
of muskets and pistols. Muskets and
pistols! Could we have foreseen the types of killing
machines that would become available to fall into the hands of any fool on the
street, believe me we never would have included the amendment in the first
place.
Hamilton:
Frankly, I’m concerned with this patchwork of state legislation,
inconsistent as it is.
Jefferson:
We’re well aware of your views on Federalism, Hamilton.
Hamilton:
Well, you tell me how they’re going enforce such laws. It’s a mess, I tell you. Strongly-worded gun legislation needs to be
written at the federal level.
Washington:
If I could…
Franklin:
Of course, George.
Washington:
No one is advocating taking people’s guns away. But in a civilized society there must be a
balance between individual rights and community rights. There needs to be more thought of “we” and
less of “me.”
Madison:
Bravo.
Jefferson:
Yes, very well said, George.
Washington:
And I didn’t die of syphilis. I
had pneumonia and the idiots bled me to death.
Franklin:
Thank you, George. Shall we sum
things up, colleagues?
Jefferson:
I would just like to apologize to the American people for the vagueness
of our language. To us “well regulated”
seemed absolutely clear. In hindsight,
perhaps we should have defined it in terms that… well…
Hamilton:
Oh, go ahead and say it! In terms
a four-year-old could understand. Quite
honestly, we didn’t expect the population to grow so stupid. You’re such a namby-pamby, Jefferson! Since people are not responsible enough to police
themselves over what types of weapons should be available in their communities,
and since people have grown so completely uncaring about the threat of such
weapons to the lives of others as long as they can selfishly have what they see
as their “right,” we clearly need some rules!
Franklin:
Well… All right then. Anyone
else?
Paine: Yes. Common sense tells us --
Hamilton:
Oh, for God’s sake, Paine!
Madison: Again,
I just want to emphasize that we intended the “right to bear arms” to be “well
regulated.” We never would have
written one phrase without the other.
Hamilton:
And were we alive today and running things we would absolutely pass
strong gun legislation at the federal level.
Jefferson: I certainly
hope we’ve cleared things up a bit, and I’d like to thank Jayne again for
giving us this forum to speak on the subject.
Jayne: You’re very welcome,
guys. Check in with me next week. I think God is going to drop by to address
that freedom of religion thing.
I woke up in a fog this morning. Not the usual where my brain needs a leaf
blower to clear out the residue from the night before, but an actual pea-soup
fog such that the world below my little hilltop had completely vanished from
sight.
