What is it about human nature that drives us to
enjoy killing each other so damn much? We’ve been coming up with new and more efficient
methods since man first walked upright, and our penchant for aggression and violence
seems only to be growing.
Recently, Utah Republican lawmaker Paul Ray announced
that he wants to bring back the firing squad for the death penalty in that
state and is planning to introduce a bill to do so come next January.
Yes. By all
means. Let’s finally confirm once and
for all to the rest of the world that we are, indeed, a bunch of trigger-happy
Neanderthals. I’m sure it will come as
no surprise to anyone. I understand that
our zoos are suffering a budget crunch.
How about just throwing them to the lions? And I have no doubt that there are those who
would pay to watch such a show, too.
In fairness, there are few countries that can
claim the high ground when it comes to developing ways to wipe out our fellow
man. The guillotine was a particular
favorite at one time. Kudos to you,
France. But for sheer numbers, I believe
we still hold the record with Hiroshima.
USA!
I have a theory.
It all goes back to that Saturday that God
promised Mrs. God he would take the entire weekend off to rest, having just
spent an exhausting five days creating the world. Mrs. God’s back wasn’t turned ten minutes,
when God got what he thought was a genius of an idea.
“Just running to the store, honey.”
Whereupon God spent the day working on what He was
sure would be His greatest creation ever:
Mankind.
He could not wait to tell Mrs. God, bask in the
glory of her praise and, who knows, maybe even get a little nookie that night. However, much to His dismay, His wife’s eyes
only widened in horror as He recounted the details of His creation.
“You did what?!” she shouted. “Two testicles and only one brain?! O.M.G!
What were you thinking?!”
Yes. It’s
true. God caught hell. And, needless to say, went nookie-less for
quite some time to come.
I tell this tale not to malign my sensitive,
intelligent, peace-loving male readers. Truly,
there is not an asshole among you and I cherish you all. But even you, I believe, will admit that it
is most commonly the male of the species seeking dominance that is responsible
for most conflicts and bloodshed in this world.
You will seldom find a woman suggesting the lobbing of missiles
willy-nilly into an area that may
contain one terrorist, but most surely contains a shitload of innocent
civilians.
Men like to complain about how women yak, yak, yak
all the damn time. Yes. We do. We like to Talk. Things. Out. No one ever died because of a conversation,
not even of boredom as is frequently suggested.
When I look at the current state of the
world: Warfare in the Ukraine, continued
massacres in Syria, drug lords killing children in Central America, the brutal kidnappings
of young girls in Nigeria, and when I watch the rise of gun violence here at
home (last weekend 40 people shot in Chicago, including one 11-year-old girl
who died), and then look at those in charge of propagating all this savagery
(exhale)… not a vagina among them do I find.
It’s no longer enough to say “boys will be boys.” Those among you who are the good guys – and I
know there are a lot of you – have got to start taking a stronger stand against
the ones who are besmirching your entire gender. Do it with your voice. Do it with your vote. Do it with your donations. Do it in how you raise your sons. And if you’re doing all that, do more.
Please.
If all this sounds unfair, I’m sorry. But right now I have to agree with Mrs.
God. One testicle would have been
enough.
Disclaimer:
There are women who can be just as aggressive, violent, and brutal as men. Certainly, they can be just as stupid. There is no accounting for Sarah Palin.
