So many body parts to think about – his, yours –
it’s no wonder your relationship has problems.
It’s not like driving a car, where after a while it becomes second-nature,
leaving you able to dance in your seat to the latest Pharell Williams beat, chat
on Bluetooth or apply mascara while at a stop.
No. With him you must always be vigilant,
thinking ahead, lest he take the controls.
While idling at a stop signal and planning to turn
right, your car won’t suddenly perceive a ghost at its side, leap into the air,
and bolt to the left. If you apply the
brakes, your vehicle, most likely, will stop. Indicate
your interest in putting the brakes on things with him and he may or may not
take “whoa” for an answer. He may
confuse it with another word, that of “go.” After all, your legs are wrapped
tightly around his sides and usually that means full speed ahead. It’s an understandable mistake. If he does decide to comply with your request
to slow things down, he may do so abruptly, allowing your forward motion to
continue well beyond his. This is never desirable as there are no airbags.
Load up your car with all the gear you need for
that ski vacation, step on the gas and you will hear nary a complaint as it happily
transports you to the highest snowy peak.
Put on a few pounds and he will find you less desirable and complain of
back pain. Oh, he won’t do this
aloud. He’s far more passive-aggressive
than that. Maybe he’ll just turn his
backside to you when you arrive at his door, or run to the far end of the field
in a rousing game of “Catch me if you can.”
You can’t. You exhaust yourself trying
and realize yes, you may indeed have put on a few pounds. You resolve to go to the gym, leaving him to
cast a triumphant glance over his shoulder as you hobble to your compliant
motor vehicle.
