Thursday, June 2, 2011

injaynesworld we revisit "What's That Sucking Sound...?"

A little bit of my old humor to hopefully amuse you, while I see if I can lighten up my life a bit and refresh my funny bone...

This morning, I lost my internet.  One minute it was there and the next it was gone.

I sat perfectly still for the longest time, just staring at the computer screen completely in denial.  Then I realized something really quite frightening.   My mind was a total blank.   I looked around inside and there wasn’t a thought to be found.

The umbilical cord to my source had been cut and I was vanishing fast.   I panicked and hit every button I could find. 


Perspiration mixed with tears ran down my face.  Animal-like moans of distress began emanating from deep in my throat.  

Then I heard a gentle, soothing voice, tiny and from a distance, that I recognized as my own.  “You existed before the Internet, Jayne.” 

Before the Internet?   

What a concept.

But, of course, the voice was right.   I had existed for a good many years before the Internet, although so completely had this technology taken over my life that I struggled to recall them.

Slowly, bits of memories began to float back… There had been face-to-face conversations with people where we asked each other not “How R U?”, but “How are you?” and then we listened and sometimes even hugged – actually putting our arms around each other, not just (((   ))).

I didn’t spend hours friending people electronically that I’d never meet in person.  I had real-life friends.   I still have real-life friends.   Why don’t I make more time for them?

Tweet was a sound that a bird made.   Birds… Yes, I remember now.  

The phone’s ring used to cheer me.   It was almost always somebody I wanted to talk to.   When did I start to be annoyed at it for interrupting my busy online life?

And how many updates do I really need from CNN?   Will my world come to an end if I don’t find out about the latest sex scandal, salmonella outbreak, or NBA standings before the evening news? 

I recall when my credit cards weren’t maxed out because if I wanted to buy something I actually had to go to the trouble of driving to a store, finding a parking spot, and shopping for it.  

In my own home I was pretty much safe from the temptations of advertisers as long as I didn’t turn on the radio or TV.  Now they’re stalking me.   There’s this one scary old dude who wants to sell me a mortgage and follows me everywhere.  “The Loft” thinks I’m interested in their spring line, and how did Price Grabber know I needed a new camera? 

Gone are the days when people only knew things about me that I wanted them to know.  Now I can be Googled – and without benefit of lubrication, too.

I took a deep breath and dried my tears.  It’s a beautiful day.  I’ll take a walk.   Maybe call a friend to meet for coffee.  I’ve been meaning to wash my car.   And it’s spring – time to plant the veggie garden.   There’s no end to the things I can do!   

Then it was back.   A little screen apologizing for the disruption.  My open pages restored, there they all were again – my people.   Look at them.   Those smiling avatars.  We’ve shared so much. 

“Back away from the computer, Jayne!”

Wow.  What happened to your gentle, soothing voice?

“Don’t make me bitch-slap your sorry ass, girlfriend.”

 I can’t just vanish on everyone.  What will they think?   I’m just going to say good-bye, explain my epiphany – the garden, the birds, the friends –

Oh, look.   An e-mail.  Sale at Nordy’s.  Shoes 50% off…  New followers on Twitter… Comments on my Facebook page…

I’ll just peek.  What could it hurt one last time?   I’m out of sunscreen anyway.   It’ll only take a minute.

Hey, what’s that sucking sound…? 

Ever wonder where the time goes?

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